Speaker: [00:00:00] Hi, everyone. Welcome to Polycurious. I am Fer, relationship coach and your host. And today, I'm doing a little bit of a different episode. I normally have guests on the publicly available episodes, but I've actually been wanting to get out there publicly a little bit more and do a little bit more solo episodes.

Sometimes I will be talking about my personal experience. Sometimes I will be talking about concepts and coaching and tips for your non-monogamous journey. And today, I actually want to talk about a movie. I want to talk about a movie called The Invite. I don't know if you have watched it yet. It was in theaters for a while.

It is no longer in theaters, but you can watch it on Apple TV, I believe. you have to pay to rent or buy. I don't know if it's going to become publicly [00:01:00] available. But this movie has been very present in the non-monogamous conversation. A lot of people have recommended it to me. So if you are non-monogamous, I highly recommend, not only because it touches on themes that might be relevant to you, but honestly, also because it is hilarious.

It's really well-written. It's really well-acted. I really, really enjoyed it.

So I will tell you a little bit more about the movie. But the reason why I wanted to talk about it is because it was the first movie that I have watched that touches non-monogamy, where the point wasn't that this was something that we tried out and realized that it wasn't for us.

And not that I am someone that has, has watched all of the movies about non-monogamy.But if I think about the ones that I have watched, so for example, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, you might have watched that [00:02:00] one. Splitsville, which just came out not long ago.

and then I'm thinking about this other movie that you might not be familiar with, that's more of an indie movie that's called Newness. And in all of these movies, people go out, try out non-monogamy, and end up realizing that they are most comfortable in monogamy. They all treat non-monogamy as a phase.

They all treat non-monogamy as something that you are going to get over

And I don't like that because there's a lot of us that are non-monogamous for a long time, and it's a lifestyle, and it's something that we find a lot of value in. So what I liked about the movie is that it showed non-monogamy in what felt a much more real representation.

I feel like I've met non-monogamous people like that. I even feel identified with, Pina in the movie. [00:03:00] So let me tell you a little bit more about the premise of the movie. If you have not watched it, I would recommend that you do that first before listening to this,

But I also believe that you could totally listen to this episode and watch it again and still be very interested and surprised. So I'll leave it up to you,

 basically in the movie, these two couples are getting together. They're neighbors. They did not know each other very well. This is the first time that they are hanging out.

 And one couple is a couple that's obviously fighting a lot. That would be Angela and Joe, which are played by Seth Rogen and Olivia Wilde.

 and I think that Olivia Wilde, who is also the director of the movie, did a wonderful job.

And then the other couple, which are the neighbors upstairs, are the swinger non-monogamous couple that is invited into Joe and Angela's [00:04:00] house.

 their names are Pina and Huck. Pina is Penelope Cruz, and Huck is Edward Norton.

Now, this is actually a remake

Of a Spanish movie called The People Upstairs, or in Spanish, Sentimental. And the movie has been made in many countries, so it has been made in Italy, Switzerland, France, South Korea, and Belgium. So obviously a lot of people are interested in this non-monogamous topic

Esther Perel was consulted for the movie, which is why if you listen to her podcast and you're a fan like I am, you might hear in the movie Pina, who's also a therapist, saying some of the things That Esther Perel says all the time

Now, Joe and Angela, the couple that is unfulfilled, the couple that's fighting all the time played by Seth Rogen and Olivia Wilde. , are basically the typical couple that has been [00:05:00] together for a long time, and they started being best friends, and they started having a great connection. But with time, they are not connected anymore. they just continuously argue and bicker, and

They haven't had sex for a year or so. They have a child. The child is at a sleepover, And the movie starts off with them fighting. and there's that tension the whole movie of Angela, on the one hand, wanting to impress Pina Penelope Cruz, and Huck, Edward Norton. and Joe being kind of annoyed by the fact that she invited them, and also annoyed by the fact that he has been hearing, they have been hearing Pina and Huck having sex very loudly.

And again, the, the movie is very funny, like very awkwardly funny. Actually, I started watching it with my mom and Seth, my partner, was like, "Okay, I'm gonna watch a little bit and see how I feel." [00:06:00] And he watched maybe the first like five or so minutes,

 and again, Joe and Angela are fighting about Joe not getting wine and, and Angela not telling Joe about inviting the neighbors over. And then the neighbors come in, and one of the first things that Huck says is, "I heard you guys fighting." So it can be pretty awkward. It can be pretty cringey.

It's not Seth's type of movie. He does not like drama and awkward interactions and cringey things like that, but that's what makes it, the movie so funny. so there's this tension between Joe and Angela, who were arguing about this dinner between Joe and Pina and Huck, because Joe wants to bring up the fact that they have been having sex very loudly and complain about that.

But Angela doesn't want Joe to do it

And you can see that these two couples are very different. Joe is a frustrated musician and Angela is [00:07:00] a frustrated artist. Basically, Joe now teaches music, but he used to be in a band, and Angela is a stay-at-home mom that has funneled her creativity into the design of the apartment but does not feel recognized by Joe.

Pina and Hawk, on the other hand, are very free-flowing people, very direct, very relaxed. They seem to have a very positive and kind of chill attitude towards whatever conflict Joe and Angela are putting in front of them. Things do get a little bit heated at some point, which I will get to, but you can immediately see, okay, this is a couple that is more connected, that's having fun, that's going with the flow.

And Angela and Joe are more of a frustrated couple in a frustrated marriage, where they don't feel fulfilled. And not only do they feel unfulfilled in their marriage, but they [00:08:00] feel unfulfilled in their careers

 Now at some point Joe wants to smoke a joint. Pina asks if she can join. So then Pina and Joe go into Joe's office to smoke while Angela and Hawk do a tour of the apartment.

Hawk is very interested in Angela's design. he keeps complimenting her taste and

complementing the decor. And Pina and Joe start talking about music or listening to music,

And you can sense there how there's obviously a connection between Pina and Joe and Angela and Hawk.

So the people of the opposite sex of the other couple, right? Like, not their spouses. And I liked that they showed this because one of the things that we talk about in non-monogamy is that we get to express different sides of ourselves and see ourselves in different eyes with different people, right?

And in this movie, you could clearly see how [00:09:00] Joe became a different person with Pina and Angela became a different person with Huck, and how they could feel seen and appreciated in a way that maybe their spouses weren't doing. Not to say that that's the healthiest.

Maybe it would have been really important for Angela and Joe to feel connected and appreciated in that way. But it does happen, right? That you might be with someone, like in Angela's case, who's not into design or art, and the person that you're dating that's not your primary or anchor partner is into those things and can appreciate your art or your taste in a different way, right?

Like, we can all identify with that. Anyhow, the night goes on. There's still some tension, funny moments, and at some point Joe decides that he wants to talk to Pina and Huck about the loud sex that they have been having. And as he is about to do so, Pina and Huck say, "Hey, actually, we wanted to talk to you [00:10:00] about something too."

And then they proactively apologize and say, "I'm sorry. We've been having wild sex. It's just been really hard to control ourselves and we know that that might have been a little disrespectful, and we're sorry to have been so loud." And interestingly, this opens up a conversation between the four of them because I, I think that Angela and Joe make a comment about the, the noises and ask who's doing the growling or something like that.

 And then Pina and Huck say, "No, it's neither of us. It's our other friend." So then they start talking about how they have play parties. They have gatherings where they have sex with, you know, four, six, eight, I think even 10. And

 Angela and Joe

are just startled and so interested. And the four of them are kind of having this conversation about open [00:11:00] relationships and being super interested and intrigued about what they're doing. this is one of those times where you think that the movie's gonna go on one way, and all of the sudden

The focus is not anymore whether they're making noise or not, or the conflict that they might be having as neighbors. The focus is, "Okay, tell us about this non-monogamy thing. Tell us about this group sex thing." And, you know, one of the first things that they ask is,

 "But what about jealousy?" And Pina says, "Well, we practice compersion." And, you know, you probably already know what compersion is, but basically finding joy in your partner's joy, right? Like, feeling happy that your partner is connecting with other people. And while I appreciate that compersion was mentioned, and that maybe that helps introduce people to the topic, and actually I listened to, Genevieve's from Chill Polyamory.

She did a review [00:12:00] of the movie as well. I will link it in the show notes. And she was like, "Oh my God, my poly heart was so happy that they mentioned compersion." It's interesting to me 'cause that's the scene where I actually had a little bit more resistance to how they portrayed non-monogamy, because I feel like that would have been a great opportunity to say, "Listen, we try to practice compersion, but we do feel jealous, and it is hard, but we work through it, and this is how we work through it."

Or maybe even just say, "Yeah, we're jealous sometimes, but we also make an effort to practice compersion, and this is what compersion is," right? But they did not do that. They made it seem like there was no jealousy, and they were just having fun.

I feel like that would have been a great moment to show the complexity of non-monogamy. And while later on they did show that non-monogamous couples also have issues, and I will get to talk about it in a bit, [00:13:00] I think that they just made it sound like there's no jealousy in non-monogamy when most of us experience it.

But anyhow, as they continued to talk about what being swingers is like or what being non-monogamous is like, Somehow they end up talking about how Angela has been walking naked in front of a window that has no curtains, and how Huck has been watching her from their apartment.

 and it's become a little bit of a routine. The first time was an accident, but then it became something that they did knowingly. And when Joe finds out,

He kind of freaks out, he gets agitated. And Pina kind of challenges him and says, "Hey, listen, it's not that different from you looking at my breasts whenever we are in the elevator." Basically saying, [00:14:00] "Hey, just like Angela might be attracted to Hawk, there's nothing wrong about that, and I know you are attracted to me. I've seen how you look at me."

And then that conversation turns into a proposal, an invite. The title of the movie I love too, because it has two meanings, right? Like the invite that Joe and Angela made to Hawk and Pina To come and share some drinks and food in their apartment, and also the invite that Pina and Hug made to Angela and Joe to play together

so when they tell them that they were hoping to have a foursome basically between the four of them, Angela and Joe are excited. And again, it's one of those moments where it goes from tension from the fighting about Angela being naked in front of the window, et cetera, to, playfulness and curiosity.

 and their reaction was basically one of, "Yes, let's do it." and they both actually were super [00:15:00] excited about that idea because they were, in fact, attracted to them too. Even though they were just fighting a moment ago about it, the attraction was definitely there. However, at this point, because of all the bickering, Pina kind of goes like, "Actually, I'm not sure.

I'm not sure that playing the four of us right now is the best idea, but how about we do a swap? How about we play separately?" And Pina plays with Joe, and Hawk plays with Angela, and they agree to that. And once more, this kind of reminded me of non-monogamous situations where you are maybe planning on doing group play, and then you see the couple bickering.

 This has happened to me before with a couple that I was going to have a threesome with, and I literally had to leave, half threesome because they were bickering. And one of the things that [00:16:00] Genevieve from Chill Polyamory was pointing out, which I agree with, is that one should never try to hook up with people that are bickering that much, or where it's obvious that there's a lot of unresolved conflict, a lot of insecurity, lack of foundation or connection.

So while, yes, maybe Pina and Huck didn't make the best decision in trying to play even separately, I did feel like it showed a realistic situation where I felt identify. I've been witnessing a couple fighting and wondering if I should be having sex with them, right?

And you might also have been in a situation like that where maybe you were going to play with people that were bickering, or maybe you were in a partnership that was bickering and realized that that complicated the group sex. So again, I just appreciated that for the first time ever, I watched a movie where I was like, "Oh, this resonates."

 this is something that I've seen. This is something that happens, and it is, [00:17:00] being represented in a movie

Now, when they start playing separately, I also absolutely love this scene because seeing the way in which Angela approached the situation versus Pina really showed the difference between a woman that is in control of her body and her sexuality and a woman that's confident that centers her own pleasure versus a woman that is being performative, that's insecure, that is trying to please the man that she's having sex with.

So Pina basically is dancing slowly, taking her time, just kind of teasing Joe and, and being very playful and sexy. Whereas Angela is, frantically trying to take her clothes off, and she's having a hard time. Hawk is like, "Can I help you?" And she's just obviously nervous and obviously rushing and obviously doing what she thinks she's supposed to be [00:18:00] doing and obviously insecure about her body.

Hawk is telling her that she's beautiful, and she's having resistance to that. And then Hawk starts going down on her, and while you can tell that she is enjoying it, you can also tell that she's a little bit tense. Whereas Pina and Joe, they're taking their time. They're just in the foreplay stage, and they're just being a lot more sensual and open and freeing.

And again, While Pina wasn't necessarily a perfect character,

I really appreciated Pina's character because, again, it showed a woman in charge of her sexuality. And while I don't think that I'm at that level, I do feel like in my journey, I've gone from being more like Angela, more worried about performing, more worried about the person I'm having sex with, less in touch with my feelings and my pleasure, to being more like Pina.

And obviously Pina is Spanish speaker. Like, she's from Spain. Penélope Cruz is from [00:19:00] Spain. I'm Mexican. But, you know, it was kind of cool to see a Hispanic character that I could identify with, although there's something, there's also something to say about Latin women or Hispanic women being overly sexualized, but that's another conversation.

Speaker 2: And while of course one can reach that connection with one's body and that sensuality in a monogamous relationship, I do think that non-monogamy helps you to do that. It helps you to be more in tune with your body, to discover different desires by having different sex with different people, to communicate better.

 I bet that a big reason why Pina is so embodied and sexual and confident is because of her exploration of non-monogamy.

So while I don't think that the people that created the movie necessarily wanting to make this point, I feel like it just shows how non-monogamy can actually help you be [00:20:00] more in tuned with your body, more communicative.

It was very obvious how differently Pina and Hawk interacted with one another, and one could infer that they have learned those skills both in their relationship, But also individually in their sexuality, sensuality through non-monogamy

Speaker: In any case, unfortunately, as Pina and Joe are playing, Joe hurts his back. So they have to stop. They have to call Hawk and Angela in, and that causes a lot more arguing because now Angela is frustrated that Joe's back ruined the experience, so they start arguing again.

 And Pina kind of scolds them and gives them, like, a m- mini therapy session on the spot, And this is where I heard a lot of Esther Perel's words. And basically Pina puts them in their place. She's like, "You guys are not respecting one another.

Where's the love? You are mistreating each other. what's [00:21:00] happening? You guys need to break up," basically, is what she says.

Now, as she is talking to them, this is when we see a little bit of conflict between Pina and Hawk. So basically, Pina mispronounces a word, and then Hawk is correcting her. And in that moment, Pina turns around and she's like, "Are you actually correcting my English right now?

You don't even speak Spanish very well," et cetera. "And actually, we're in this situation because of you. Why did you have to push us to have sex with these people when it was obvious that it wasn't right? And you always pushing for sex," et cetera. So I really, really appreciated this moment because the whole time, the whole movie, Hawk and Pina had been this harmonious couple.

They were getting along great. And then in this moment you see, okay, they also have issues. They also have their stuff. Monogamous, non-monogamous, we all have issues. And it's not really about the relationship structure, it's just about [00:22:00] the nature of relationships and partnerships and all of that. And also, I appreciated it because I've also seen this happen, right?

I've also seen couples where, I mean, it is usually the man who's doing all the things and pushing and pushing and pushing for the group sex and wanting the group sex, and even when things are not right. And the woman kind of being like, "Actually, like, let's take it easy. Let's slow down. Let, let's not push for this."

So Pina complaining about that, even though she obviously also agreed to have sex with them, was also something that I recognize, that I've seen before, that non-monogamous people do. That has happened. and the movie basically ends with Angela and Joe kind of realizing that they might have to break up. Pina and Huck leave without saying goodbye even, which I found really strange.Pina had brought a, a flan, and she asks for the flan container, and then as Angela goes to get it and comes back, they, they basically left.

I do [00:23:00] not understand why they decided to do that in the movie. But in any case, Angela and Joe are left alone, and then Joe starts to play the piano. And before in the movie, they had insisted that Joe showed some of his music from when he was in a band, and he was obviously very self-conscious about it, did not want to share the music.

 I think him playing the piano showed that maybe there was still a part of him

 that could go back to those times where he met Angela and they were best friends andthings were better between the two of them. And Angela kind of comes ... I can't remember if she sits next to him or hug- hugs him from behind. But the movie kind of ends with this question mark of, are they going to stay together?

is this moment that they're sharing, this intimate moment where Joe is playing the piano, a sign that [00:24:00] there might be hope in their relationship? or did this experience show them that they're not meant to be together anymore and they're gonna break up?

okay, so those are my thoughts, my reflections about the movie, The Invite. I really, really enjoyed it. I highly, highly recommend it. Not that it's perfect in their representation of non-monogamy or in the ethics behind it, but I, I do think that it is the most realistic movie that I have watched that explores this topic, and I'm really glad that people are having conversations about it.

Whether they decide to try out swinging from the movie or they decide that actually they would never wanna do that, I just think it is important to have examples out there of non-monogamy.

So I hope that you'll check it out. Also, please let me know what you think about these episodes, if you enjoyed this format, if you enjoyed me just talking a little bit and sharing my thoughts, if there's any topics that you'd like me to talk about.

I'm super open to any suggestions you [00:25:00] might have Now, if you like this type of content, there's, many more solo episodes on my Patreon or Spotify,Which you can check out by going to the link in the episode description. I don't have any other movie reviews, but I talk about my personal experience and what I've learned, I give coaching tips, and so much more.

 so please check that out if you want more. Okay, guys. Thank you so much. I hope you enjoyed today's episode, and I hope you watch The Invite.