Sarah: For me, because I'm so open about being non-monogamous and so open about being an adventurous person and flirty person. It was hard to let go of that concept of myself and I really wanted to hold onto that even throughout my pregnancy. So I think the biggest lesson that I've learned is just to uh, not hold on to it being any particular way. Focus on the stuff that is good.

F: Hi everyone. I am Fer, your host and this is Polycurious. Today I'm bringing you another episode of our, uh, Poly Parents miniseries. If you are interested in this topic and you haven't listened to our previous three episodes, I'd encourage you to go and check those out. And today I'm um, talking to someone that you might be familiar with because she's been really present, especially on Instagram, talking about her non-monogamous experience. Her name is Sarah Stroh or Monogamish_me. She's also a coach. So if you want to connect with her, make sure to check out the links in the show notes. And at this moment she's actually already a mother. But when we had the conversation, she was actually just a week from having her baby. So we talk a lot about that process. So far in this Polyparent series, we've talked about how becoming a parent doesn't mean that you need to fully give up your non-monogamous life and fully give up your life outside of your family. And how it's so important for especially mothers to continue to have an identity outside of their roles as, uh, caretakers and all of that. And while of course I believe that fully and that's partly why I put this series out, there's also the reality of some things that really changed the game for you. I mean, obviously the time commitment. I'm, um, not oblivious to the fact that being a parent probably makes you extremely busy and with very little time to date. But also even before that, I mean, the moment you become pregnant, you can't drink anymore or partake in any substances. And I mean that in itself already changes the game. Then your body starts changing, right? So as we talk about in this interview, going out to a bar and flirting while you are pregnant is not really something that we are accustomed to. And it can feel really strange to do something like that and just your identity as a sexual being. I mean, we don't really see, for example, pregnant women having sex in the media in porn, although I bet that there's a market for that. It's just not what we usually as a society see as sexy. Right. So if you are a woman and your body is changing, it can be really hard for you to connect with that part of yourself.

So we talk about those sorts of struggles that Sarah went through, but also about the beautiful and interesting parts of this journey. Her process into becoming a mother was actually really interesting. Her partner wasn't really ready to be a dad. He's also younger, so that contributed to it. But she was, you know, approaching her mid-30s and just having that desire to have a child. So she actually took the matter in her own hands and went and found someone who also wanted to be a parent and also didn't have a partner who was available for that at the moment. And they were planning on co-parenting together, which I find super interesting. And I feel like it's something that we should explore more as a society, because we don't have any more a whole village or community to help us with our children. Right. And we have a lot of women especially, but also men who want to have kids but don't have a partner. So I think that just finding alternative ways of creating a support system for yourself and alternative ways of having a child can be really liberating. And we talk about that, and we talk about how things ended up turning out. Since we recorded this interview before Sarah had her baby boy, I actually asked her to send us a quick update. So make sure to listen all the way through. Just a quick note before we start. If this podcast has been helpful to you and you wanted to reach more people, the easiest thing you can do is just give us a rating. Literally takes two seconds, and it helps a lot for other people to find the podcast. Also, if you haven't subscribed, make sure to do so. We have a, um, great episode coming up next week with Molly Roden Winter, who wrote a memoir on being in an open marriage and also being a mother and all of those juicy topics. I would highly recommend you check out that episode. But you'll only get notified when it comes out if you subscribe, so make sure to do that.

Okay, guys, let's just get into it. Here is my interview with Sarah from Monogamish_me.

F: So, Sarah, welcome to Polycurious. And I know that you are how many weeks pregnant?

S: 39 weeks.

F: Right. So we're almost there when it comes to having your baby into the world, which is super exciting. Yeah.

S: Yeah.

F: And you know, as much as you still have that journey to go through, you have a lot to say about being pregnant. Right. And all, uh, the thinking and, you know, the way your perception has changed around non-monogamy. So I'm excited to dive into that. Um, can you introduce yourself to the listeners? Uh, you not only are a, uh, pregnant woman who's non-monogamous, but you are also someone who's been putting resources out there for the non-monogamous community. And uh, yeah, tell us a little bit about like, your work and how you got there.

S: Um, yeah, so I'm. You're right, I'm 39 weeks pregnant, which means for those who don't know how the weeks work, I think a lot of people, if you haven't experienced a pregnancy, aren't sure. Um, but my, uh, actual due date is in one week, is in like seven days, six days. I am a New Yorker, like from New York originally. I live in Berlin and for the last several years I've been writing and um, doing webinars, creating content on Instagram in the form of videos, teaching people about non-monogamy. So sharing my experience and also empowering people to pursue whatever romantic life it is that they truly want. Um, whether that's non-monogamy or something else. Polyamory, monogamy, but in a different way. Um, that relationships don't have to be something specific. Um, and so yeah, I do that through coaching and writing and creating content about it basically. And I'm looking forward to be a mother. But also it's a huge transition, so it's definitely mixed feelings, but I'm excited.

F: Yeah, for sure. It must be such a wild journey. I can only imagine. Can you tell us a little bit more about your relationship? And actually I, um, I read about how, uh, you wanted to have kids and you were ready to, to do it on your own and how, you know, things change. So can you share that whole thing? Because I think there's um, there's an important lesson in there which you very we'll identified. So I would love to talk a little bit about that.

S: Sure. So my partner and I have been together for four years. Uh, about four years now. Like, I guess we started dating about four years ago. And at the time I knew that I wanted to be non-monogamous. And he hadn't really had much experience with the idea. Like he was open to trying it but didn't have like a strong opinion either way. And, and so we just kind of started out like saying it was during the pandemic. So it didn't really, um, we weren't like out and about at clubs, you know, meeting people anyway, so it didn't come up that often at the beginning anyway. But like, we basically, we were open from the beginning and so slowly we just kind of kept going with the flow. When it came to dating other people, he was more in the camp of, let's just kind of limit this to one night stands, dance floor, makeouts. And I was more open to the idea of actual polyamory, like dating other people. But I was also okay with trying out something more in the direction of what he wanted. He was the first person to start, uh, to go on like a proper date with someone else. Which was really scary for me because that was the first time I'd even though I was non-monogamous for longer than that, that was the first time that I'd ever been with someone who like, went on a date with someone that he enjoyed and then kind of told me about it and.

But I was excited that we were actually kind of doing non-monogamy. Throughout the last four years, we've just been kind of developing like, what, you know, what are we comfortable with? How can we reassure each other when we're feeling jealous? You know, what conversations do we need to have? And a lot of it has just been okay, making sure the other person knows that we love each other and we're committed to each other and that we're not going to leave the other person. And so what our non-monogamous relationship looks like now is closer to polyamory. But neither of us have committed other partners besides each other. But we have had regular partners with other people. And we're open to the idea of that. But it's always been like a continuous process of just talking and, um, reassuring each other in terms of, uh, deciding to have kids. When we met, I was like 31 and he was 27.

F: Where is he from?

S: He's from Germany.

F: Okay, cool.

S: I'd actually, my, my ex and I had broken up partially because I wanted kids soon. And he, he was also younger, but even younger. Even younger, younger, like six years younger than I was. Um, and he had decided that he didn't want kids soon. And so that as well as also he wasn't interested in being non-monogamous anymore. That was like, why we had broken up. My ex that I actually moved to Germany with, who was also German, um, and then I met Flo, who is my current partner. So I kind of told him, like, right from the beginning: "This is where I am at. Like, I'm 31, I want to have kids soon. Um, I'm happy to date you, but if I meet someone, like, if that's not something that, you know, you want soon. Then we have to be open to the idea that I would maybe do that with someone else." And he was kind of open to that. He, he understood. I mean, he, what else was he going to do? And so at the beginning when things were like, casual anyway, that didn't really matter that much. And he, by the way, like, from the beginning he made it clear, like: "I do want kids at some point, but I, I'm not sure when, like, at all. And I need to be with a person for like several years to even like, decide to do that with them." I was kind of like: "Oh, uh, maybe I'll meet someone else, because we're open anyway, you know, maybe I'll find someone to co-parent with me." I'd actually asked, like a friend if he would be a sperm donor, like a gay friend of mine, and he agreed. So I was kind of like just figuring out what my options were, but I was ready to actually do it on my own. But then there was a point where flow was kind of like: "I want to do it with you." But then there was another. And then like later he was like: "Ah, but actually I don't know if I could commit to doing it soon." So he was kind of in this, like, point, like, pressure, felt this pressure from me, like he would miss a big opportunity if he didn't do it with me. But at the same time he wasn't ready.

So there was some back and forth there. But then at some point, because he wasn't sure, I decided: "Okay, I'm just not, I'm just going to leave you out of this equation because I think it's putting more pressure on a relationship than I want and I do want to be in a relationship with you. Um, so I'm just going to do this on my own." And so, like, I really just made that commitment to myself. Even though he still wasn't sure. Yeah. So I decided I'm going to do it on my own. I had one friend who was going to potentially be a sperm donor. And then about a year and a half ago, I actually met another person at a, at a small Burning Man event type thing, uh, in Berlin who was in a similar position to me. So he was a man who wanted to be a parent but didn't have a partner who wanted to do that with him. So we talked about the idea of co- parenting together as friends. That was really exciting because I thought: "Okay, I'm going to have the support that I want, but also I can have my partner and it'll be like a weird mixed up family." And that was really exciting. But, uh, we were still in the process of sort of like, we don't know each other that well. Let's make sure we get to know each other. But we were both really excited about it and talking about like all the ins and outs of like how we would co-parent together. We'd have, we were like, what if the kid has ADHD? You know, do we give him medication? You know, who's going to cook? How, uh, are we doing finances? Like, we really were talking about all the things and I had a coach, like hired a coach too to like help me through this process. And um, that was actually from. Yeah, before I even met him, like, to help me through the process of doing it on my own, which would have also been a fine choice. It would have had its own challenges.

But I liked the idea of someone to support not just with raising the child, but also financially too, because also, yeah, my finances were like, not like the most stable, especially at that time as well. So throughout that process when I was kind of like in the mix with this person planning to co-parent, that's when Flo stepped in and he was like: "Actually no, like, I want to commit to doing this with you and like, we can start trying in the next like couple of months." And at that point he said that I really wasn't sure what I was going to do because I, uh, like, as I said, I was really excited about this other possibility. But in the end I decided, although I did miss the idea, it was disappointing to like not have this mixed up, weird family thing in the end like Flo and I, like, we'd been together for three years, we loved each other. I trusted him. Like I, he's such a great person, he would make such a great father. Um, and like in hindsight now it's just like 100% clear. Like obviously it's the right choice to do it with him for so many reasons. That's what happened basically.

Then I told the person I was going to co-parent with: "Hey, actually I'm going to do it with Flo instead. I'm sorry. I hope we could be friends." And we are still friends, thankfully, and he understands. Um, but yeah, it was kind of a wild ride just to go from not having anyone to having two people and then having to choose one. And um, yeah, thankfully like it didn't take long for us to get pregnant. And yeah, now it's like a year and a half later and I'm Um, about to pop. Hopefully everything goes well and that that happens soon. Um, so. Yeah.

F: Yeah, I love that story. What was it that made you so excited about having that, as you called it, weird mixed up family?

S: Yeah. I mean, I think one thing that really appeals to me about polyamory is the idea of having um, more support, like more parents in the picture. I think for me, growing up in a very nuclear family in the suburbs of New York City, um, with my brother, my mom and my dad, it was, it was very isolating sometimes. I mean they were very loving parents and I'm lucky to have that have had them. But I just feel like we could have benefited so much from having other people around, just involved, like other parents, other adult figures. I still do want that, but I think it would have been easier to just bake that in naturally if I'd gone the co-parenting route.

F: Hm.

S: Or if one of us had another very committed long term partner or something. And it was just, it would have just been different. It would have been more of an adventure in some way. I think at the same time, like in hindsight, I don't know this person as well. I didn't know him as well. There are other concerns about that that now I see more clearly. And yeah, Flo and I would just have a, uh, really strong bond, strong communication already. Whereas with this other person it was kind of just like the honeymoon excitement of like, we're gonna do this and you know. But really I think there would have been a lot of problems potentially, um, that would have come up and uh. Of course, of course, how could it not have been? But I'm happy about the route I've taken.

F: Yeah. And I think that it's great that you talk about your experience because it might open up people's options when it comes to getting pregnant. Because a lot of women are in your situation, right. The situation that you were in being, you know, 35 or so, they feel the biological clock ticking. They want to have children and then their partner, if they're partnered, doesn't want it yet, or maybe they're not partnered and um, they really are desperate to find someone because otherwise they won't have children. Right. And I think that, you know, it's always about like: "Freeze your eggs, freeze your eggs." Like that's kind of the alternative narrative that we hear, but is not cheap as we all know. And I think that you don't have to be non- monogamous to maybe think of co, uh, parenting with someone else. If you have a friend, if you have someone you trust or even someone you meet that you feel like you could start building that type of relationship with. I think it's a great idea. So if there's anyone out there that is in that situation, at least they can consider that alternative after, after hearing your story, you know.

S: Yeah, freezing your eggs, it's expensive and it's also, it's not foolproof at all if that gives people more security for, you know, a number of years. I totally support any woman who, who makes that decision. But for me it just didn't seem like a worthwhile choice to make. There's definitely benefits to, to uh, freezing your eggs as, to give yourself more options. But I just felt like, I mean, why not just do it now? Like I, I can do it now. And like, the more that I read about, like women who, who have babies on their own, I think there was one article that was like the hardest thing about this decision was making it in the first place. Like the hardest, like a, uh, woman who just decided to have kids on her own. And because there's just so much, there's just not enough examples of that.

F: Yeah. And I think it's important to have that support, you know, whether it's a partner or a friend or family members. Right. And um, it must be really hard if you do it on your own. Um, but yeah, I think that another reason why I like that story that you shared is because you mentioned how the moment that you stop pressuring Flo, that's when he felt the space and the openness to say yes to the experience. And I think that translates to, um, other aspects of non-monogamy. In my coaching, for example, I always advise people who are kind of pushing their partner into non-monogamy to kind of let go of the pressure a little bit and be more patient because at the end that's what's going to make the other person feel like they have the space and then be even more open. Right. So sometimes it's counterproductive to like put pressure on your partner in that way. So I also like that kind of little lesson that you learned throughout the experience.

S: Yeah. Yeah. From Flo's perspective during that process when I was like excited about this other possibility or way of having a kid with a co parent and then Flo came in and then told me that he was ready to be a parent, it was kind of like it is us. Right. Like it's like: "Okay, now, now you're ready just because he was going to be taken away from you." But, um, the way he explained it to me is exactly what you said, which is because I was finally actually happy about another option. He didn't feel that pressure anymore to be that person and fill that space in my life. And then he was able to think about it really on his own terms and his own life, like: "Is this something I want? Like, can I do this right now and do I want to do this right now" and answer those questions for himself. And, and now it's just like, you know, now a year later, it's just so clear that it is what he wants and he is really excited. And at, uh, 31 years old, which is not super young, but to me it feels like now that I'm 35, it feels like I had all this extra time of like, fun. Yeah, no, and I, and I feel super grateful that he was ready and he'll have that time on the other side, you know, 45, 46, 47. He can be still, uh, after the kids are grown, he'll still have that freedom again.

F: Yeah.

S: Um, so it's not like: "You're losing." You know, just because you do it earlier doesn't mean that you're really like losing all this. "Losing" quote, unquote.

F: Yeah. And I think it's important to also remind people that obviously, especially the first few years, it's going to be really hard to make time to date and be non- monogamous in general, but it can be done. And also, once the kids are a little bit older, they're in school, etcetera, you can still go, you can still party, you can still date other people. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. And also, of course I haven't had children, so I'm not speaking from experience, but I think that there's this idea that you settle and have children and then your party life is over. And I would like to challenge that a little bit and encourage people who are in that journey to, if it feels right to them, continue having a life independent from their family life or from their home life. Because it's really important even for your children to have moments of being separated from them and independence and fun and freedom and all of those things. So I hope that you get to experience that too, even before the kids leave. Leave the house, you know?

S: Yeah, yeah, that's a great point. Yeah, I think that's it. That's also, uh, I also think that's really important. You're your kid's biggest role model. So if you're totally sacrificing everything and being a martyr and never going out and having fun on your own or being independent, then you're not being a good role model to your children. Yeah, even it's not selfish to go out and enjoy your time alone and, um, once in a while. Yeah, that's a great point.

F: Hi, everyone. Before we go into the second part of this interview, I want to quickly tell you about two things. If you're listening to this podcast, you've probably realized by now non- monogamy can be really challenging. You may need help learning how to communicate, set boundaries, or even just figure out what it is that you want in the first place. That's why I created Polycurious, and that's also why I became a relationship coach. So if you feel like you need a hand walking down the polycurious path, you can schedule a, uh, free exploratory call with me by going to our website, polycurious.com. secondly, I wanted to tell you about STD check if you have more than one or even multiple sexual partners who are also likely to have sex with other people. Getting tested for STDs is so important, especially in today's world where they are becoming increasingly common. This is why we have partnered with STDcheck, a, uh, platform that makes it extremely easy to get tested. You can pay online, schedule an appointment, and, um, visit one of their many facilities in the US on the same day. And unlike other services that take weeks, they actually send you the results in just one to two days. So if you want a $10 discount to get tested, visit the link in the show notes or go to polycurious.com. now back to the show.

F: I'd be curious to, like, hear what things you have struggled with when it comes to being pregnant and being non-monogamous.

S: Yeah, I mean, I think pregnancy itself has been challenging in a lot of ways. Especially, you know, at the beginning there's like morning sickness and, um, just getting used to like: "Okay, wait, my body is not my own anymore. I have to think of another being that is living off of it and thus, like, be responsible for that." The beginning was like that in the middle, actually it was like summer and I wasn't really showing yet, but I was over the hump of having, um, having morning sickness and that kind of thing and kind of gotten used to sobriety. Um, and I actually had like some really nice moments over the summer and I actually met this guy and, uh, we started like a somewhat regular relationship. I really liked him a lot. And then at some point, things kind of just fizzled with us and we're still kind of friends, but tbd, But I think sadly, like, it had to do with my body changing. Um, and I, like, it's not clear, you know, like, we can't really know. And I don't know if it's more from his side or my side, but yeah, it's. It's something to get used to, like, especially if you're someone like, I was, who for me, like, my stomach being flat was a big part of, like, what I saw in myself as being, like, beautiful. Which is maybe sounds super superficial, but that was just the reality of it. And I think, yeah, being pregnant, like, alerted me to that. Like, I didn't necessarily know that. So obviously, you know, I do yoga and like, that's just like a naturally, like, tight part of my body. And I guess that was actually an important part of, like, my self image and like, looking pretty and looking like, like being confident. And when I went when I went out and you know, that changing slowly five months or so into my pregnancy, that took a, that took a hit to my confidence. Um, yeah, again, I don't really know if that relationship would have just fizzled anyway or. But I think he also had some insecurities being with me and like, being with someone who's pregnant. I. I don't know. I can't tell you. Yeah, I can't really tell you what happened. But that fizzled. Um, and so that was quite disappointing. But, like, in the grand scheme of things, it didn't feel more important, like, that specific relationship than most other flings that I'd had over the last years. And then I actually had like, another fling with someone. Like, I was in New York visiting family in October and like, met up with a guy that I'd hooked up with before. And we, like, also had like, a little thing together, which was nice, um, and also very validating because I was also, like, not super confident in my body at that point, but I also wanted to be. And I was like, trying to be more accepting of myself. And so that was like, just a nice experience to have. Um, um. And so besides that, I have not been with anyone else throughout my pregnancy, um, besides my partner, uh, my prime, my nesting anchor partner blow. You know, he has also has other women that he's been. He's been seeing, you know, for. For the last year or two casually who he's met up with now and then. Um, but he's really been like, making our relationship the priority and making the pregnancy a priority. Yeah, especially like in the last weeks that I've just been totally like, incapable of like, doing a lot of stuff because it's harder to move around and that kind of thing. Like, he's really been there for me and making sure that like, I'm not struggling more than I need to be. Because now that we're in like, like the last, really the last phase of our pregnancy, like, we're, we're both kind of staying in because we need to, we need to like, have besides like going out to meet friends briefly, we need to have the strength to actually give birth and be there and like, be awake and stuff. And so this is a different phase altogether. But throughout, like, generally throughout the pregnancy, like he has met up with other women. Um, and I've been, of course, uh, open to that, but it's just like, yeah, it is weird to like, go to a bar and like hit on someone when you're pregnant. I don't know, it's like it shouldn't be weird or like it doesn't need to be weird, but it's like it doesn't seem necessary. And I think there is some insecurity around it because it's just unexpected. That said, I have been like, going out with friends and like, having fun and still living my life and enjoying my life. I think over the, over the last, like three months or so, four months, I've been pretty monogamous and that's also okay. Yeah, I do feel like there's this like mourning or loss of this person that I was, in a way. Yeah, I'm gonna be a mother, so that's gonna be a huge change as well. And I do miss just going out and flirting and not having any responsibilities. And I miss a lot about not being pregnant and not being on my way to becoming a mother and, and especially in terms of being non- monogamous and. Yeah, just meeting new people and that excitement, I am missing that right now. But I know it's also, I'll also have the opportunity again sometime in the future to do that. And it's not everything, and this is what I've wanted for a really long time, is to, to experience motherhood. I'm 35 right now. I just turned 35 and I've had a lot of fun in my life. So I think, I think it's okay to uh, let go of that for a while. For now.

F: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think there's a lot in there. Um, you know, beginning with being sober. Right. Um, I've had periods in my life that, you know, I was preparing for an ayahuasca journey. Right. So I was sober. Or just periods where I've been like, okay, I need to take a break. And that changes the game. Right? Because we usually, not everyone, but we usually date and go for a drink. Weed or a, uh, drink or other substances. They do loosen you up and then make it more likely that things will happen. Right. And I've always been curious about women's experiences around being sober, like while they're pregnant. Because no one really talks about that. It's like: "Oh, you're pregnant, it's so nice." I mean, I've had conversations with, um, you know, some people around it because I became curious, but I had never heard anyone talking about their experience just being sober. Um, and then there's the other aspect that you mentioned. Right. You know, when your pregnancy becomes visible, you know, it's kind of a constant reminder to whoever you might be interested in that you have a partner and you have a baby coming. And even if they might want to be open minded and not necessarily think about that, some people just don't want to have a reminder that the person that they're seeing is with someone else. Right. Um, and yeah, and then there's the, you know, self confidence aspect, which obviously your body's looking different and um, you miss your flat stomach, which is completely understandable. You know, so I'm curious for people who are experiencing all of those things. So being sober, being visibly pregnant and maybe people being a little bit more hesitant and losing confidence in your body. And of course this is for, uh, some of, some of that is for anyone. And you don't have to be non-monogamous. But any, any tips on any of those realms or things that you feel like help you get more comfortable with that.

S: Yeah, I mean, but I will say before, like, yeah, I can give some advice, but it's like, it's crazy because like you can get comfortable with something and then your body's still changing. Like you get comfortable with like your way, you know, where you look in the moment and then, and then two weeks later you're like bigger again. And so, yeah, it's crazy how, you know, how you're just constantly, constantly changing. Um, and then your hormones are different and everything. So I think the best advice is just to try to accept whatever comes for me because I'm so open about being non -monogamous and so open about being an adventurous person and flirty person. It was hard to let go of that concept of myself and I really wanted to hold on to that even throughout my pregnancy. And so, and I feel like in a lot of ways I haven't. Um, um. So it's been, that's been disappointing. So I think the biggest lesson that I've learned is just to, I don't know, focus on, focus on the stuff that is good. Like, like I have a partner who loves me, um, and is there for me and we're both really excited and like the pregnancy is going pretty well. You know, like thankfully I haven't had like any complications or really bad symptoms. And I feel good because this is just something that I've wanted for so long and I have that and so. Mhm. I suppose that would be my number one piece of advice is just to, to not hold on to it being any particular way. And try to remember like this body. I think I'm like grateful for that, this realization as well. Like I talked about, you know, having a flat stomach. It feels so unimportant, you know, Like I, I know logically how unimport is and I want that to not be important to me. But I'm glad I've had the opportunity to realize it was because yeah, it has been hard to feel like confident uh, in the same way and look at myself in the same way. But at the same time I'm also like trying to embrace the power and uh, the beauty that comes with growing a being inside of you.

This ideal that I haven't quite embraced that I would love to like a strong, powerful woman, pregnant, um, women. And I wish I could embrace that more fully. Um, and I have been trying like I do like you know, prenatal yoga and this kind of thing. And that really helps too. Like, like seeing other pregnant women being strong for example. Yeah, I think that could have been helpful to have more of like a strong community of like pregnant women or pregnant figures to kind of look up to.

F: Yeah. I guess because it's such a short period of your life relatively. Right. Like nine months that one is pregnant. It's not like there's the go to pregnant figure that you can always go to because they will only be pregnant for nine months. Right. But I do think that the idea of finding community which can be through yoga for pregnant women, you know, there, I'm sure there's like meetups, prenatal courses and things that people could join so they have other women to relate to and talk about these things. Although I guess finding a pregnant mother who's also non- monogamous might be a little bit harder. But I think that, um, that tip of just finding community, I think it's a great one. Uh, I also really like and feel identified with the other two things you said, which is to focus on what's good. For example, when I have gained weight as, uh, something that really helped me because I did have, uh, when I was like a, uh, teenager, like many women, body image issues, and I wasn't eating correctly, and I gained and lost a lot of weight. And it's been a whole journey. Right? So whenever I, like, see my body maybe bigger than what I wish it was, or even the other way around, even like maybe underweight, I always try to think of the positives. When I'm skinny, I'm like: "Oh, I like how my face looks." Uh, and then when I'm a little bit, uh, bigger, I'm like: "Oh, well now, now my ass and my boobs are bigger" So this is great, right? So this is just like a little example that has really helped me. And I feel like now I don't really bother too much about my weight because whichever weight I'm in, I can see the positive. Right? And I think that, as you said, like, you might be comfortable with how your body is at that moment, but it's going change. So I know it's hard to have that mentality, but I think that, like, from, um, any phase you are in, there's something that you can focus on that's positive, even if it's just I'm really excited about having this kid or I have a supportive partner or I haven't had issues in my pregnancy, which a lot of women have. Right. So, yeah, focusing on the positive is great. And then you also shared your identity issues just to, you know, give it a name in an interesting way. I also feel identified because I recently left New York and, uh, I'm looking to be somewhere where I have less of a stressful life and less of a party life and just somewhere where I can be more calm and start thinking about having kids eventually, etcetera. And I think that leaving New York and leaving my community was really hard because of that identity. Right? Like: "Oh, if I'm not with this community, who am I?" I think it's important to remember that you change all the time, right? And, um, we tend to like, like to cling to identities. Like you said: "Oh, I'm the adventurous, flirty person." And then now you might want to be still the adventurous fl. But to be honest, you maybe are not feeling as self confident you also can't drink. Dating, uh, becomes harder. So also just accepting this new phase of life and being like, well, this is who I am right now, and letting go of whoever you thought you were and just being present, I think it's really hard, but it's important to do. And especially as you actually give birth. You know, I think. I think I read somewhere that you were like, in a way, everything has changed already before I even gave birth. Because you have this other person that you have to think about, and of course you're going to lose some independence with that. Right. So it's a huge mind shift that you are going through. But, um, I think it sounds to me that even though you are, like, conscious of the parts that are hard, you also know what to do and understand the process for what it is.

S: Yeah, I think that's a good summary. Where did you go, by the way? Where did you live in New York?

F: So actually, right now I'm in New York, but I just came back for New Year's and I spent, like, a week here seeing friends. But my partner and I are trying to find our next home, like, where we're going to buy a house. We both work remote, so we've been staying in different cities. So we were in Austin for a month, in Boulder for almost two months.

So, yeah. So, you know, we're. We're in this journey where, um, we have no set place or set community. And, you know, one's identity is often tied to the people that you hang out with and the things that you do. And my life has completely changed.

S: Okay, nice. I hope you find a good spot.

F: Thank you. I'm pretty sure we'll figure it out at some point. Yeah.

S: Yeah. Oh, yeah. I wanted to also add, um, there are also some benefits to being pregnant. Um, like, getting a good seat, like, not, like. Not like going on the subway and, like, not caring that I took, like, the seat for pregnant people or, like, people just smiling at you or, like, asking for more food or something like that. Um, just kind of letting yourself be treated like if someone offers you their spot or offers to get you something and just being, like, sure, you know, and that was. That's been. Also been a nice practice because I'm, um. I find it hard to ask for help sometimes. And so this has been a good, like, excuse to do that more often. And I hope to keep asking for help more even after I'm pregnant.

F: Yeah, that's awesome. See another positive, uh, aspect to focus on, right? Like, your lesson of, you know, it's fine to ask for help even when I'm not pregnant. Right. And things that you can carry on to. Yeah, whenever. Uh, not whenever, next week when you have, when you have your, your kid. Uh, and asking for help will be big, I'm sure when that happens. Right. Because you'll probably need a lot of help. Um, another question I have. How are you thinking of, I know that, you know, probably it won't be a big concern earlier on, but how are you thinking of disclosing your relationship style to your kid? I think in your case is specifically complex given that your work is tied to your non-monogamous identity.

S: Mhm.

F: So how are you thinking about that aspect of it?

S: Yeah, I mean I, when I think of like the privacy concerns, um, I'm thinking mostly about like when I share about my life and my child is such an important part of my life, how do I make sure that I'm not sharing something that he doesn't want to be shared or they don't want to be shared. But like in terms of disclosing non- monogamy to the child, if I stand behind everything I say and I'm confident about what I say, I don't think there's any reason to hide that. Um, and that'll just be something we have to deal with in stride. That said, the name that I have publicly will not be the same last name that the child has, for example. And that was part of that decision was because we don't want people to necessarily connect us, um, like everyone in the kid's life to connect us to each other. Um, my public Persona and his, who he is. So yeah, those are some of the things that we've been thinking about. But I don't have anything, I don't think I have anything to hide. And so in an age appropriate way, we will tell the kid that we're non-monogamous. Or maybe he'll just figure it out and it won't even necessarily be a conversation. The world is changing when he's able to even have these conversations with us. Who knows how accepting it will be of non-monogamy at that point. Hopefully. I'm hoping it's so accepting that it's not even a conversation that we need to have. So let's work on that, that's the goal.

F: Yeah. So you are thinking of just being open about it and let's say if you have, if you're going on a date or you have a partner, you would introduce them as your partner and not your friend. For example, I don't know.

S: I mean, it could, I could say friend. It could. I mean, if they're really a partner, then they're in my life, you know, regularly, then yeah, I guess I would be honest about that and the kid would know the person and.

F: Yeah.

S: And all of that. So, um. And if it's a friend, it's a friend.

F: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I, I feel similarly towards that. I think that it's kind of a. I'll see how I'll handle it. But I want to be somewhat open without making it a big deal. Um, so, yeah, I hope that as you say, non-monogamy is accepted enough that your kids isn't too impacted by it. You know, our kids, whenever I have mine too, you know. Yeah. Um, okay, awesome. Thank you so much. So one last question for you. I normally ask people, what would you tell to a polycurious person? But for this mini season, uh, I'm asking people, what would you tell to a poly parent or a non-monogamous parent or someone who's like, uh, you expecting, uh, any final message that you want to put out there?

S: Let's, let's start a support group. Let's start a support group. Yeah, I, I feel like I wish, you know, there are, there are people publicly out there like, um, you know, remodeled Love and um, a few other, like Instagram people, you know, publicly parents. But yeah, I think we, there's two. It would be great if we had more supportive stuff happening for people like us. I don't know what I'm doing either.

F: Well, and maybe just sharing that, sharing that you also don't know what you're doing, um, can be, can be helpful, you know, So I think that connecting with others who might be also struggling can be really powerful, as you say. Well, thank you so much. It has been great. I'm excited for your adventure and to hear about it. Thank you so much, Sarah.

S: Thanks for listening.

S: Hello. Just reporting that, uh, we had our baby in end of January and he's super healthy and being a parent is crazy hard, but gets easier with, uh, knowing what the hell you're doing and also getting used to and getting to know this new being in your life from both sides and building that trust. And it's really wild. We're enjoying it and getting used to it and struggling with it. A journey, enjoying the moment and also excited for what's to come.