Fernanda: Hi everyone. Today I wanted to play you an episode from my Patreon, just as a little sample to show you the kind of content I have in there in case you are interested in subscribing. And this particular episode is about dealing with New Relationship Energy or NRE, especially if you already have a partner. As a Patreon member, you also have the option to join a support group. So if you feel a little isolated in your experience as a non- monogamous person, remember that community is medicine. And joining the support group, which it's often an informal gathering of non- monogamous people, just spending time together could be actually really great for you. And I would love to get to chat a little bit. The next support group is happening next week. That's Tuesday, November 5th, so if you want to join, just follow the link in the show notes. I also wanted to let you know that a new Polycurious miniseries, the Mono-Poly or Mono-Open miniseries that I've been promising for a while, is coming out next year. And soon after that,

I'm actually picking Polycurious back up. I had initially planned to pause Polycurious to focus on my work as a coach and on my 9 to 5 job, but I've decided to continue with Polycurious, continue with the coaching, because I want to transition out of my 9 to 5 and dedicate my full time to this. This is my passion, this is my calling. I feel so in alignment when I'm interviewing people for Polycurious, when I'm helping my clients through coaching. And I want to be able to put all my focus into that and to continue helping you and providing you resources.

But for me to do that, I would love your support and a little bit goes a long way. So if you like this episode, if you're interested in joining the support group, or simply if you want to support me in my mission and want Polycurious to become an ongoing podcast instead of a seasonal one, please consider joining the Patreon. And of course, if you're struggling in non-monogamy, I'm here for you as a relationship coach as well. And if you want to book a free exploratory call, you'll also find the link in the show notes. Okay, that's all I wanted to say. I'm very excited about the future of Polycurious and I thank you so, so, so much for your support, for being here, for being a listener, for daring to do relationships differently, and for seeking resources to do it right.

So here's my solo Patreon episode about NRE. Hope you enjoy.

Hi, everyone. Okay, so today I'm gonna talk about how to deal with New Relationship Energy or infatuation. Basically. I'm sure you, most of you are familiar with this, but when you meet a new person, you might have what some people call New Relationship Energy, which is basically just being over the moon about this person because they're new and it's exciting, etcetera. But this can be hard when you have a partner and you might feel like you're doing something wrong. And I experience this personally, so I want to share about my experience. Some things I learned, some things that I share with my clients that will hopefully be helpful to you. I actually wrote about this in one of the newsletters. You should be able to find the post if you scroll down. I can also link it in the, in the description here. But I really wish I had known these things when I went through them. So, first of all, I want to say that you can't ask your partner not to fall in love with someone else, or you can't ask yourself not to fall in love with someone else. It's okay. It's totally okay if that sounds intimidating to you, and that's something that you want to avoid. But saying: "Hey, I'm okay with you having sex with this person. But no, falling in love" is honestly a very hard ask because we're humans and we don't control our feelings, right?

And if we're having sex with someone, it's likely that we're gonna catch feelings. Not everyone and people have different levels of infatuation. And maybe you are someone that rarely ever catches feeling, but maybe you're someone like me that catches feelings easily. I think less now than before. And I'll talk a little bit more about my process with that, but. But I think it's important to have those conversations beforehand. In my case, Seth did express that he was less comfortable with the romantic aspect and he was more comfortable with the sexual aspect. So we did have that conversation, but we didn't talk about: "Okay, what happens if I do catch romantic feelings for someone."

So when it started happening to me and I started feeling this, I mean, I literally was feeling like I was falling in love, even though now I know that it is just New Relationship Energy. Infatuation is not the same and it fades away in that moment. It felt really intense and I felt like I was doing something wrong. And because Seth and I have a Don't Ask Don't Tell dynamic and because he said that he wasn't okay with it, I just wouldn't share it. And it just made me feel very disconnected from Seth. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Even though going out on dates, it was completely okay with him. And in that sense, I wasn't doing anything wrong. And he had told me that he basically that he didn't want to hear about my romantic feelings. It felt like I was breaking a rule because we never acknowledged that that was something that could happen to me. So I would recommend that you have a conversation with your partner. Instead of saying: "I don't want you to fall in love" just say: "Is it something that we'd be okay with falling in love with someone else? Or is it something that we want to avoid?" Okay, if you're okay with it happening, great. You are probably leaning towards polyamory. Maybe it won't happen, but being open to it is great if you can be. If not, if you want to avoid it, which is totally understandable as well. Just maybe set some limits. Say: "Okay, we want to avoid it. What can we do to avoid it? Okay, well, no trips with other people, or no, or only sex. No romantic dinners, or we're only going to be playing together. So then if those feelings develop, is out in the open, or maybe both of us will develop those feelings for this third person or for this couple." I don't know. I mean, I'm just giving random examples, but you can figure it out. You can have a conversation about it.

So in my case, because I didn't have that conversation with Seth the first time I started having catching feelings for someone, it was someone that I met at a festival. But I took it really seriously. I think especially because it was the first time that I had the freedom to connect in that way with someone outside of my relationship. I was really freaking out about it, and again, feeling disconnected from Seth, etc. So I just literally didn't say anything. Then this person ended up finding someone to be monogamous with. And, you know, things just ended up fizzling out. But I was kind of heartbroken, even though I had only seen this person, like, I think once outside of the festival. But, yeah, it took me. It took me a few weeks to feel better about it. And I couldn't share that with Seth, and that was difficult. And then, you know, with time, I started dating someone else. And again, I started feeling like: "Oh, my God, am I falling in love? What is this?" And, you know, in those situations, we tend to kind of jump to the future. We kind of freak out. Because we are conditioned to think that if we have feelings for someone else, that means that there's something wrong with our relationship. And something that I later learned is that when we are feeling infatuated, we become single, focused. That means that you can only think about that one person. I'm sure that a lot of you can relate to this, right? Like, when we're first falling in love, all we can think about is like: "When am I seeing this person next? When is this person answering my text message?" Or you're just thinking about the amazing time you had with them. And when you are in that situation, but you live with your partner in my case, or just have, like, a primary partner, you can feel like: "What the fuck? Like, this is wrong. I shouldn't be spending so much time thinking about this other person if I'm living here with my partner. Like, it just feels like it's wrong." Now. I understand that it's not wrong. It doesn't mean that it's going to stay like that forever. It just means again that you have the New Relationship Energy.

And you won't have a New Relationship Energy with your partner because you've been with your partner for a while and you did feel about them the way you feel about this new person once upon a time. But just because you've been with them for a long time, it's impossible for you to feel the same way. And that single focus that you feel towards this person is not going to be like that always. It's not like you. From that moment on, you are just going to think about this new person and you're going to forget about your partner. It's temporary. It fades away. I've felt it. I felt like I'm falling for someone. I don't know. I think, like, four or five times since I started dating other people. What is it, like three and a half years ago? And every time it just fades away. Not saying that that will be the case with you or with me, you know, I might find someone and then

I might be in love with them for a whole year, and then they might become a partner. I don't know. It might happen, but it's very likely that you are just seeing things with rosy glasses the first couple of times you see this person. And then, you know, the more you get to know the person, the more you get to see also some things that you don't like about them that much or some ways in which you don't fit together that well. Or maybe, like, it happened to me, they might find someone else, and then they might break up with you. Or in my case, I've also breaking up with people because I realized that they're not good communicators or they don't meet the needs that I have. So there's a lot that can happen. So there's no point getting ahead of yourself and worrying about feeling this way forever. It will likely fade away.

And if it doesn't, then you have a conversation with your partner. If you talked about it before and decided that this was within your agreement, you can bring it up to them and tell them that you know you are catching feelings for this person or you are in love with this other person, and then that's a conversation that you can have. But wait, don't have that conversation with your partner immediately. Wait, I would say, honestly, wait six months or so. So you are sure that whatever relationship will say that you are actually truly infatuated with this person or falling in love with this person. And it's not just something fleeting, because otherwise you might have the conversation with your partner, which is going to be difficult. And I'll tell you guys how I had that conversation with Seth. And then it might have been for nothing. And in my case, it actually felt a little bit like that was the case. Like I did it, and I felt immense relief. And afterwards, I was wondering if I just had that conversation more for myself and not so much for Seth. So it's important that you ask yourself whether telling this to your partner and making them go through that hurt is worth it. If you're not 100% sure that that person you're having those feelings with will continue to be in your life or that those feelings won't fade away. So you have to be sure if you're going to have that conversation. I would say, of course, don't lie. If your partner is asking you and you feel like even though it's early, you want to share, share it.

But if you are going to have such a conversation, like telling your partner you're falling in love with someone else, it's a serious thing. So take it seriously and don't jump the gun too quickly, because you don't know, things might change a lot in just a matter of weeks. So in my case, again, I was seeing this second person that I felt these feelings for, and then I felt like I just couldn't keep it any longer. I felt like I was hiding something from Seth. So I talked to him, and I didn't say that I was in love with this person because I wasn't 100% sure. And also, to be honest, I was sugarcoating it a little bit to make it easier for Seth. So I said something along the lines of: "You know, I know that we talked about you not feeling very comfortable about me having romantic feelings for someone else, but honestly, I feel like that might happen. It's not the first time that it happens to me that I feel this way. I didn't share it with you the first time and that didn't feel good.

And I'm experiencing it again. And, you know, it might be with this person or it might be with someone else, but it's bound to happen that I will fall in love with someone else." And to be honest, this is the only difficult conversation that Seth and I have had. When it comes to non-monogamy in general. We've had it pretty easy. Well, maybe we've had another couple of difficult ones. But that I remember because I remember Seth tearing up, which is not something that happens. Well, it does happen often with movies and things like that, but not, not of fear or hurt or I don't even know what to call those feelings that he was having. But yeah, he expressed that that was hard for him to hear. But, you know, I also told him that that didn't mean that I didn't want to stay with him and that I am committed to him and that I love him so much and that I was just being honest about where I stand. But that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with him and our connection, etc. So I think that helped. You know, something I like about Seth and I, I guess now is that we don't always jump to conclusions. We don't always feel like we need to end with: "Okay, this is what we're going to do, or this is how we feel about it." Sometimes it's just like: "Okay, we had this conversation, we process it, we come back to it." So it was just kind of like: "Yeah, we love each other. You might fall in love with someone else. That's hard." And that's it. You know, there was no, no real next step or conclusion. And we had the conversation again. I feel so relieved. I feel so much better because now I know that even if I don't tell him: "Hey, I'm in love with someone else" he knows that it can happen. And he knows that he can ask and that I will tell him the truth. And I don't feel like I'm doing something wrong at the same time my relationship with that person ended just because I moved on to the next one, to be honest with you. I mean I realize now that I love new people and I'm a novelty seeker. So that's just something that's meant to happen for me, often happens for me that I date someone for a while and then I'm like: "Actually, I'm not so interested" and maybe I meet someone else and I want to date someone else. Not that I cannot date more than two people besides Seth, but I just don't have the bandwidth. So I had a talk with this person, broke up with him basically, and we're still friends. And I'm so grateful for the experience that we had. But again, to this day, even though I felt in the moment like: "Hey, I'm falling in love" to this day, looking back, like those four or five times that I felt it, none of those were actually real love. So that's why now when I start feeling those things, when I'm starting to see someone, I enjoy those feelings. But I also don't take them too seriously because first of all, they drain my energy a lot. Like being thinking about a new person, the whole that you met the whole day, and being like daydreaming about them and all of that. It takes energy that I often want to be putting in my career, in my friendships, in my primary relationship. Some people live for that feeling.

Like, I know some people are polyamorous because they love falling in love and being hyper focused on one person. I personally, you know, part of me enjoys it, but part of me is like: "Okay, two energy sucking." So I try to not get too much in that space if I can avoid it. But also I don't get in that space because I know it's fleeting. I know that most likely two weeks later I will not feel the same way, or a month later, two months, or three months, whatever it is. Most of my relationships haven't lasted that long. Honestly, I don't even know how long my longest one was, but maybe three months or something. So I think a lot of this advice might be very different if you are actually polyamorous. I identify more as open. So of course, like with everything, take what works for you from this advice. And if you feel like some things don't apply to you, then completely ignore it.

But hopefully some of this was helpful to you. So just a quick recap on how to deal with New Relationship Energy. First, have those conversations beforehand. Instead of saying, don't fall in love with someone, ask what happens if we fall in love with someone? Do we want to avoid it? Do we not want to avoid it? What are we going to do to avoid it? What are we going to do if it happens? And then once you start having those feelings, don't jump right away to conclusions. Don't worry that this means that there's something wrong with your relationship. Don't worry because you're thinking too much about this person and not so much about your partner. It's all normal. It'll most likely fade away. So just give it some time before talking to your partner. If you agreed that talking to your partner was the right thing to do. And then if you do end up talking to your partner, if it's been months, the feelings are still there, it feels really strong. You feel this person is going to be a significant part of your life and you want to talk to your partner. Give them reassurance, right? Like, let them know that this doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with your relationship. Sometimes it's hard to give that reassurance because maybe you are also unsure about it. You are also fearful that maybe you might break up with your partner, and that's also okay. But remember, you can love two people at the same time. Loving someone doesn't mean that you have to stop loving your partner or living with your partner, right? It's all a conversation. You can rearrange your life around your two loves in whatever way feels good to you. But you need to talk to your partner and be transparent with both people, right? Not just with your partner, but also with your secondary or this other person that you are dating about how you're feeling, what you want, etc. And just remember, stay present. Be honest, but also wait before jumping to conclusions.

Let me know if you enjoyed this episode. Send me a question so I can answer it in a future Q and A episode. And appreciate you all so much for being here. Appreciate you all for your support, and thank you for listening.