Fer: [00:00:00] I do think that we have, as a society, an unhealthy relationship to sex and we objectify women and all of that.

But to me, being objectified can actually be empowering, right? A man wanting you so bad. Sure. Wanting to fuck you so bad that you know, you can make them do whatever you want. And one thing that I had fantasized about, but I hadn't really gotten into do until this party was to Tease a man with my sexuality, with my sensuality,

 Hi everyone. Welcome to Polycurious. I am Fer, relationship coach and host of this podcast. And today I have a little bit of a different episode for you because I'm actually talking about my experience at a kink sober party called Carnival Dungeon, and how I ended up domming, which is something that I [00:01:00] had

 never done before,

and how this experience was actually somewhat healing of my relationship with non-monogamy, my daddy issues, and a lot more. But basically,

being in a position where I was in a dominant role, where I was the one withholding my sensual or sexual power with the person that I was dominating at that party, helped me

see my relationship with men in a different light, right? Because of my daddy issues that I will talk about in this episode, I have had a tendency to really want the attention of men. And while I was domming, I was definitely getting the attention of the person that was being my sub in that scene.

I also had the opportunity to flip the script, because usually I feel like I am the one that desires men and I am the one [00:02:00] seeking men. And maybe in some situations I felt, as I will talk about today, that I am kind of at the mercy of them because I care about them so much, and I care about their desire, and I care about getting their attention so much, right?

But in this scene, I was a goddess, right? the whole scene was planned around me being the object of someone's desire, but me not really caring about what the other person wanted.

And I'm in a period in my life right now where I'm having a lot of doubts about non-monogamy precisely because of how much I felt like I was putting into my relationships with men. And having this experience at this party

helped me enact a world where

I am in control of my relationship with men, where I have strong boundaries, where I can ask for what I want, where I can really just look after myself. [00:03:00] And that was really empowering. So this episode is all about that.

Now, a couple of notes before we start. In the episode, I talk about the person I dommed, and I refer to him as Tom. His name is actually Sam. At the time I

 recorded the episode, I wanted to keep him anonymous, but subsequently, he agreed to be named. And not only that, but he also agreed to be a guest on Polycurious.

So if you're curious about him, I want to listen to our conversation. Make sure to subscribe to Polycurious so you can check out that episode that's coming out in a couple of weeks. The second thing I want to note is that in this episode, I talk about my Patreon,

 that is where I have bonus content, my solo episodes, recordings from my meetups. However, since I recorded the episode, I've realized that one can release paid content on Spotify.

So if you're [00:04:00] not a Patreon person but want to listen to the second part of this episode or want to check out any bonus content from Polycurious, all you need to do is go to Spotify, if you're not listening there already, and press Get Access at the top of the Polycurious podcast page.

So far, I've only released a handful of episodes,

but there's many more coming. I have around 50 episodes at this point, and I will be releasing them every week, either one or two episodes in addition to the regular free Polycurious episodes. So if you have been enjoying the podcast

and you want more of it, you are a click away. Or if you already want access to all of those 50 episodes, you can also just go to my Patreon. All of the links are in the show notes.

Okay, guys, I get a little vulnerable in this episode, so I hope that you find value in it.

Here is my episode about... my experience domming for the first time

At a [00:05:00] sober kink party

Fer: today I'm doing a solo episode. The majority of my solo episodes have actually been released on my Patreon, and I've spoken about my journey with dating monogamous men. I've spoken about my recent breakup back in October.

I've spoken about. Some personal things about my relationship with Seth. So if you want to check all of those solo episodes, make sure to go to my Patreon if you're not already on Patreon listening to this. Now, the reason why I wanted to put this episode out more publicly, at least part of it,

is because I've noticed that you guys love kinky content, and what I'm talking about today is an experience that I had at a party. This past weekend, so today is Monday. So on Friday I went to a kinky sober party and I just wanna debrief with you guys about what that experience was like becauseI would [00:06:00] normally consider myself a sub, a submissive in kinky dynamics. And while I don't have too much experience with it, I noticed that I really enjoyed being told what to do and for men to edge me and tease me and withhold, orgasm

However, I had this little suspicion that I might also be turned on by dominating, and while I had not done it myself personally, I had seen it.

I have friends who are dominatrix and I was always curious about it. So this past Friday unexpectedly, I ended up domming someone. The whole party basically. So I want to talk about what that experience was like for me, but also talk about how kink relates to my daddy issues, to my trauma, how I have found it, a source of [00:07:00] eroticism and self-expression and empowerment.

And I'm still on that journey and I don't have all of the answers, but I thought that you guys might want to hear where I'm at. but before we get there, I. I want to go back and talk a little bit about my daddy issues. So one thing that I've realized in therapy and that I've been working on that and that I've spoken about on the podcast and written about is that at some point in my journey, I realized that one of the reasons why I was attracted to non-monogamy was because I.

Was craving attention from men. Now this comes from an abandonment wound that was created when I was a child. Surprise, surprise. So my parents got divorced when I was four years old. And [00:08:00] while my dad has always been in my life and I know he loves me and, and has supported me in many ways, he did not contribute.

Financially, to our upbringing, to my sisters and i's upbringing. So that was really tough for me. especially as a 4-year-old. My parents actually did not tell me that they were getting a divorce. They just pretended that my dad had left for a job, somewhere else. And I think I only fully understood that they had gotten divorced.

When I was maybe 10 or something, I, I don't remember the details. I just know that I was really upset when I realized they had lied to me. So I think that that all created confusion and feeling abandoned. And, especially again, the fact that my dad didn't contribute financially made me feel like he didn't love me because growing up I was always taught.

That that is what love is, [00:09:00] right? That like if my dad really cared for me, he would give me money,

 But anyhow, long story short, when I started going to therapy about four years ago, my therapist explained to me. That the reason why I was seeking relationships with men, or even drugs or partying or things like that was because I was trying to fill this void that my dad had left.

And this is something that I've been working on in therapy for years and that I thought that I had a handle on. But after my recent breakup with my secondary partner, which again, you can listen to that episode on my Patreon, I will. Link the episode in the show notes if you want to check it out. I don't talk about this aspect in that episode, but what I realized months after the breakup is that a lot of that relationship had to do also with feeling that masculine void of [00:10:00] wanting to be desired, right?

Because I had a relationship with John that was very sexual and very based on him desiring me and me sending. pictures, sexy pictures and videos and things like that. And, getting that validation that I wanted, you know, and, and I think that I only truly realized of that after the fact I.

And, you know, I, I, quickly after I broke up with him, I, said that I wanted to take a break. But actually I ended up kind of falling into dating a little bit again. And I had an experience where, without giving too much detail, but basically this person I was going to go out with canceled the date kind of last minute.

And I was very upset about that. And then I. We were at the same party a couple of days after that, and I just found myself [00:11:00] acting from a trauma response. So basically I was just like not being myself at all, which was really strange. it was almost like, I don't know if you've ever had this experience, but it was almost like.

I wanted to say one thing and another thing came out, and everything that came out of my mouth was negative and I wasn't listening to what he was saying, and I just felt this, this desperation or something. It was so strange, of like wanting him to, to give me attention and. Just seeing myself acting in that way and also thinking to myself, okay, I should relax.

 I should just, have an abundance mindset. It doesn't matter if he's not attracted to me or he doesn't want me or whatever. I had this scarcity mindset. of like, I need him to want me and pay attention to me, and all of that, and it was obvious that he.

Was [00:12:00] perhaps noticing that I was acting super weird and was not, you know, engaging with me in the way that I wanted. And that was really tough for me. Not the way that he acted, but the way that I acted with him from that wounded space. And that actually made me realize that I needed to take a break from non-monogamy and.

I knew that part of the healing of understanding that masculine void and also acting differently had to do with letting my body release some of that pain from feeling abandoned by my dad.

even though I knew that my dad loved me, that. Abandonment wound was still being expressed in the way that I related to men.

this is something that I've been very aware of my desire to be desired.

And my tendency is to want [00:13:00] non-monogamy because of that and my attraction for men who want me, as opposed to men who I might want. Right? And I had been taking a break from non-monogamy after that experience with the guy who canceled the date. And I had been questioning if I even want non-monogamy.

And to be honest, I still, I'm still not sure, and that's why actually I've been much more interested in going to play parties.

 I actually don't like to be. Watched by a bunch of people that are not involved sexually with me while I'm having sex or doing anything central or sexual. So parties had never been, had, never had a big appeal to me.

But again, in this period of my life, I'm like, I don't really want a relationship, but I still kind of want that. Eroticism. I still want to want that energy [00:14:00] that I get, that erotic energy, that life energy that I get, and I'm just kind of interested to see if I could just find people that I can be more casual with, whether it's just at the party or generally speaking, as opposed to getting entangled in a relationship.

So here I go to the Kinky Party. and again, it is a sober party, which I was. Not very excited about, if I'm honest with you, not because I think there's anything wrong with being sober, but I personally find that, in my case, especially weed really enhances the, you know, the, the physical pleasure that one can experience in, in, in central or sexual settings.

So I actually am someone that really enjoys consuming cannabis when engaging in that that way. So, and of course I also understand that that's a social lubricant for me. Like some [00:15:00] people have alcohol. That sometimes can do that for me too, but generally speaking, I don't drink much. I don't like alcohol as much.

but, but I just didn't see what was wrong with a little bit of a social lubricant with a bunch of people that you don't know. Now. I had a friend who was working the party, but outside her, and then this girl who drove me. I didn't really know anyone and. The party's called Carnival Dungeon. I believe they do them around the country.

I'm not completely sure, but I will make sure to add whatever link I can find to the show notes if you're interested. But at the beginning of the party, we do an opening circle. the theme of the party was Sinners and Saints. So what they said is that it wasn't about. Making fun of religion or criticizing religion or anything like that.

It was about reestablishing and, [00:16:00] and, creating new meaning to your experience with religion. Interestingly enough, I'm not religious at all. I never grew up religious, so that didn't have that meaning for me. But it was interesting because as you guys probably know, my partner said he is monogamous, but not only is he monogamous, he is not kinky at all.

He's not into kink at all. And I was just there at the party thinking of how this would literally be his worst nightmare. A party where there's kink, and also where there's religious like. Things because my partner actually grew up very religiously.

 I, I just thought it was, it was. Pretty cool how I can go to this party and be supported by Seth. Actually, he helped me, pack my lunch for the party. 'cause it was from like six to midnight and I was like, I'm gonna probably need to eat.

And I'm like [00:17:00] getting ready, rushing out and he's like packing my lunch for me. And then I get to the. The house of the woman that was going to drive me, and I realized I forgot my thong, and then said how to Uber it, and look to my, my lingerie and find it. And, and I just thought it was really sweet and cute how, even though it's not his thing at all, he totally a hundred percent supports me in my sexual exploration.

But I digress. Point being that,we have a circle at the beginning. you know, there's a woman on, a cross hanging. There's Jesus signing Bibles at the entrance. Like it was pretty interesting and, and cool, to be honest. Anyhow, at the opening circle, the, the woman that organizes the party.

Speaks about it, the reasons why it, it is a sober party. And he said something along the lines of, we often [00:18:00] use substances because we don't want to feel or we want to numb, and how about we just sit with the discomfort? How about we just learn to face whatever it is that's going on inside us and feel it and get curious about it instead of numbing it?

And I actually, once she said that, I was like, okay, I, I get it. And I'm actually on board. I'm actually on board with the sober aspect of the party. Nonetheless, I was nervous. Again, the only person I knew was the, that I really knew was my friend who was working, and then the woman who drove me was doing her own thing.

Then I found someone that I had already met because we have some friends in common, and he was actually working at, one of the stations where they helped you to create a scene.

 and the way that it worked was you pull out some cards and [00:19:00] those cards had certain prompts. Like the one I pulled said Goddess. And you know, there were several ones, but before you even pulled the cards, him and his.

you know, partner, not romantic or sexual partner, but like his partner for the night, who was a woman, you know, they had a man and a woman, so you know, you could choose who you wanted to do the scene with, et cetera. They, they asked me, do you want to, sub or do you want to dom? And I was like, you know what?

 normally I feel more comfortable as a sub. That's how I've explored kink so far, and. I didn't have much experience with dominant. I actually tried it a little bit with with Seth before because I was like, okay, you don't want to be dominant.

Fine, I just want some power play. Can I try to be dominant? But then we realized he doesn't like the power play at all, which is totally fine. We still have a healthy, beautiful [00:20:00] sex life, but. Yeah, I had dipped my toes there a little bit, but I couldn't explore more because Seth did not want to engage and, and do what I told him.

However, if I'm honest, in our sexual relationship, I'm kind of the one guiding the experience, right? I'm usually like, okay, let's do this position, or touch me here, or go slower, or go faster, or put the vibrator inside me, or whatever it is, you know? So I had experience. Leading, I guess sexually. And I also had experience owning my sensuality.

And one thing that I had fantasized about, but I hadn't really gotten into do until this party was to Tease a man with my sexuality, with my sensuality, basically.you know, I love lingerie. I love like dressing up. And again, this goes back to my daddy issues, right? This goes back to my daddy.

Issues of wanting [00:21:00] to be desired, right? So seeing a man looking at me in my lingerie and really wanting me and all of that, that just. Turns me on a lot to see that, that face you, you know the face. if you are an attractive woman, you pro you know the face when you see a guy who desires you. Right.

And, and you know, some women find that creepy. I find that empowering. Right. And that's one thing that I have reflected on how, you know, women in, in our society, we obviously have a lot of disadvantages. And I do think that we have, as a society, an unhealthy relationship to sex and we objectify women and all of that.

But to me, being objectified can actually be empowering, right? A man wanting you so bad. Sure. Wanting to fuck you so bad that you know, you can make them do whatever you want. And again, this is [00:22:00] obviously not something that. I actually act on, right? I mean, obviously sexually yes, in, in a play safe space.

But I'm not the one to be like, oh, I'm going to take a advantage of this guy and have him buy me something or whatever, when I don't intend to engage with him sexually. But just because I wanna take advantage of my beauty, of course. you know, if someone's nice to me because I'm beautiful, I'm not going to.

Stop that and I know that being pretty, comes with privileges. It also comes with some annoying stuff, right? Like it also doesn't feel good when you're just like trying to have a good time with your girlfriends or whatever are a Party.

And men are just harassing you basically. but anyhow, I already knew that there is something very hot to me and very exciting to me about using my [00:23:00] powers, my sensual powers as a woman to. You know, tease a man. So the idea I had was, okay, I'll have you, let's call him Tom. I'll have you, Tom, sit down low on one of the cushions on the floor.

And then I'll grab. 'cause they had all these tools that you could use for your scene. Right. And I was like, well, I could grab that flogger and I could use the flogger to, you know, kind of like run it through my body and like, tease you. But like, you won't be able to, to touch me. because, you know,

I'm withholding this power that I have, this sensual power that I have from you, and you'll want me so bad, but you can't have me. However, going back to why I usually don't like play parties as much, I'm not an exhibitionist, right? I was still very nervous about it.

I'm not gonna lie, but I would've been much more comfortable doing it to him in a room as opposed to teasing him and dancing over him and [00:24:00] whatever, in a room full of people, right? And it was also early in the night. People weren't, engaging sexually . By the way, I forgot to mention this party was, No penetration. So you could use toys and you could do oral sex and you could touch and all of that, but you couldn't, you know, stick up a penis inside a vagina or a butthole or whatever. Right.

 and the reason why they do this at this party is because, we often jump into penetration and that often makes us miss out on a lot of things that can happen before penetration.

So it encourages you to go slow, encourages to savor different aspects of sensuality. So I really like that aspect. But anyhow, it was just too early. I wasn't ready for that, so I was like, okay. you know, I might come back later and we might do it, but for now I'm just gonna go and go [00:25:00] through the stations.

There were several stations, so. One of the stations was fire play. I don't know exactly how they do it, but basically, you lay down and, and they, fire up your back and then they use a wet cloth to put out the fire basically. And I had heard of this. I didn't even know that this was a thing, but I wanted to try that so.

 you had to sign up and wait for your turn on all of that. So I'm waiting for my turn and then I have this idea, why don't I ask Tom to watch me while I go through the station? So by the time that I get to him and I use a flogger to.

To tease him basically, and to show myself to him. He's already so horny and desiring me so much that it's going to be more torturous for him. He's going to desire me so much and I'm not gonna give it to him. so I, I was like, I want you to watch me. And he did. I, I had to take my clothes off [00:26:00] to, I mean, I was already wearing a see-through outfit that was basically nothing.

But I took that off and he watched me, get fired over my back and my thighs and my ass and whatever.

I think that what also made it hot is that Tom couldn't just give me his undivided attention. He was working again at the station where he helped people create scenes and enact scenes. So he had to juggle working and also watching me and all of that. But honestly, he was, he was such a good boy as I kept telling him because.

 I asked him to watch me and then, I came out of it and I wasn't sure if he watched me or not. And then, you know, he'd come up to me and be like, I watched you. It was so hot. You know, he would like kinda check in with me. And, I thought that was sweet. And, you know, he really did a good job doing that.

Unlike this other guy. So there was this guy at the party [00:27:00] that I had actually connected with on Hinge before we had never met in person, but we almost went on a date, maybe about a year ago or something. And you know, I run into him right after I had done the fire thing. And I tell him, what's up with Tom?

And I'm like, yeah, I'm doing this scene where this is happening, And then he's like. Oh, do you want to do any more domming or something? Kind of saying like, Hey, dom me too, and I was like, no, I, I cannot, this is already a lot because as exhilarating and exciting as it was, it was a challenge for me.

Again, it was the first time I was domming. I didn't know almost anyone at the party. I was completely sober. So I honestly don't even know where this creativity and determination came from. but it was, that was part of what was cool about it, that I kind of surprised [00:28:00] myself with the ideas that I had.

 one of the main reasons why I love. Kink is because of the creative aspect, right? It is play. You get creative just like I was, you know, just new ideas, oh, what if we do this? What if now you watch me, et cetera. So I actually also got creative with this guy that I had just run into from Hinge.

You know, he was well, he is a good looking guy and, you know, it would've been perhaps interesting to connect with him too. But I think that I'm coming from a place where I'm so burnt from non-monogamy, and I'll record another solo episode at some point on my thoughts of whether non-monogamy is worth it or not, but I'm pretty burnt from it.

That I am becoming very strict with who I let into my life, and not just because of how burnt out I felt after my last relationship, my [00:29:00] relationship with my secondary partner, but also because of the journey that I just shared right of healing my masculine wound and my abandonment wound.

And just realizing how much of myself I was putting into men and not wanting to do that anymore and wanting to be self-reliant and, and not just chasing men because I want the attention or because they're hot or because I want the sex or whatever, but, but only genuinely interacting with people who feel aligned with me.

And, you know, you could be the hottest guy. But if it doesn't feel aligned, I'm not going to pursue it. Right. So, so yeah. So I told this, this Hinge guy what I was up to, and I was, like I'm about to go get spanked. There was this station called hypnotic spanking. I didn't know what the hypnotic part [00:30:00] was, which I will tell you in a second, but I was like, spanking.

I mean, because that's one thing that really turns me on. For whatever reason. So I tell this hinge guy, that I.

Was going to go to the hypnotic spanking and that I have Tom watching and I told him, you can watch too if you want. And I was like, you know what? This could even add into the scene because since Tom is working and he can't be present, he'll see you being able to just sit right in front of me and watch the whole thing.

And this will add to. the yearning that he might have of wanting to, to be able to watch me fully and instead have to go in and out because he's working And the hinge guy was down for it, and I was like, oh, I'm, I'm pleased when I start getting spanked. Please go and tell. Tom, you know, [00:31:00] that, that this is starting, you know, so I, I was like playing with it completely and the hinge guy seemed down.

There was a moment where he kind of looked at me as I was about to get spanked and kind of being like, Hey, I am here. Then I think I want to check if I have a, if I had a hair tie or something. 'cause I wanted my hair up and I didn't have one. I came back pretty quickly and he was gone. So basically this guy didn't, stick to what he said he'd do.

He, got tired of waiting for me or whatever. but, you know, and at this point I had already told not only the, the, the woman that was going to spank me do the hypnotic spanking, but this other girl that was there, about this whole thing of like, I have these two guys that are gonna come watch me.

'cause the hypnotic spanking woman, asked me, okay, how do you want to feel? And I was like, well. I want to feel really hot and unattainable and like [00:32:00] desired and like, these guys really want to have me, but they cannot have me and this and that. and you know, I'm telling them this whole scene that I'm planning and I'm like, yeah, I have Tom.

And then I, I have this hinge guy and I ask him to do this and do that. And then the fucking hinge guy. Waves and I'm just like, oh my God, how embarrassing. If, if, you know, after I told them this whole scene that I'm doing none, neither of the two guys show up to watch me. You know? But, luckily Tom did watch me even though the hinge guy didn't go and tell him anything.

And, you know, while I was getting spanked, the woman kept telling me like, oh, you're such a goddess and he's watching and he can't wait to have you. but he can't because it's your body and you look gorgeous and you're amazing and this and that. And I was just there being spanked and kind of shaking my ass a little bit, [00:33:00] which was fun.

And I was like, okay, I'm glad at least you know Tom was there, but also. You know, it, it, I do enjoy, being a little bit of an exhibitionist again with people that I'm kind of in that vibe with. So I did enjoy kind of showing off my body and being spanked and that was hot. and then I ask, Tom, 'cause there was a squirting station and we're starting to get graphical here.

As you can probably tell, there was a squirting station and I. Can squirt somewhat easily. I feel like it's really a technique thing. So I figured, you know, this man that's in the squirting station probably has the technique down. So I, I asked Tom and I was like, I'm only asking you this because it's going to be even more difficult for you when I'm teasing you if it'll turn you on, that I get I squirt before.

I come [00:34:00] and tease you and you know, do all that. And he was like, yes, before Goddess, you know, I made him call me goddess the whole time and I would like keep calling him good boy. Whenever he did something good, like, you know, making sure that he was watching me.

so I go to the squirting station, but there's a line and I'm just kind of there waiting.

there were like 20, 15 minutes left or something. And. The guy with the squirting was taking his sweet time with each person. So I was like, I don't know if I have time for this.

So at that moment I was like, okay, I have two options. I either wait for the squirting and I have a perfect excuse of why I couldn't go and tease Tom and show myself to him and do all the things that I wanted to do. Right? Because I had already talked to him about the squirting. Or I buckle up and I go and do the thing that I've been leading up to this whole party, right?[00:35:00] 

And I was like, you know what? I think I just gotta do it, you know? And, and I was nervous again because I'm not too much of an exhibitionist for people that I'm not. Engaging with. So it felt like a really big thing for me to sit Tom down who works at a party, and, and there were no like really private spaces anywhere, so it felt like a really big thing to sit him down and to, you know, dance.

And then I was like, Ugh, the music is not great. Like it needs to be the right song. But I was like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm just gonna go. So I just went and I was like, okay. I didn't make it to the squirting 'cause the line is too long and there's not much time left. I wanna do this, but we gotta wait until the right song comes on.

So we were like trying to, trying to find a place where to sit down to do this. And it was difficult because again, there weren't many private spaces and I [00:36:00] wasn't feeling super comfortable. But finally we were like, okay, just here. It wasn't the most public space, but it also wasn't private at all. It was kind of the in the middle, literally in the middle of the whole thing.

And then it was time for me to finally do the thing, do the thing that, that I had been leading this guy on the whole time, and by the time that I sat him down, I could see his face that he was turned on. He was ready. He had been watching me the whole time. We had been. Flirting the whole time. So then I'm gonna tell you what happened next, which surprised me.

I didn't think that I would go this far. But not only did I tease him, I did some other stuff, but not stuff that's, um, fit for public consumption. So if you want to listen to how this story ends, and also all of the reflections that I had. About how that ties into the daddy issues I talked [00:37:00] about and all of that.

You are gonna have to go and check out my Patreon or if you're already on Patreon, just go to the second part, which should be already available for paid subscribers.

You can find the link in the show notes for that. And thank you guys for listening.