Fer: [00:00:00] Hi, everyone. Welcome to Polycurious. I am Fer, relationship coach and your host. And today I'm doing a solo episode on the emotional processing and nervous system regulation method that I use, which is called RAIN. It is actually not my method. It is from a meditation teacher called Tara Brach, and I believe she actually borrowed it from someone else as well.

I've modified it, but in any case, it has been incredibly helpful for me. It has literally changed my life. It has been incredibly helpful to my clients. So today I wanted to share this with you. Usually I reserve my solo episodes for paid Patreon and Spotify members, but I wanted to have this out because I'm launching a jealousy guide and RAIN works with any feeling. You can feel jealous, you can feel [00:01:00] insecure, you can feel abandoned, you can feel sad, you can feel grief, whatever it is. But I do believe that it works wonderfully with jealousy, so I wanted to make sure that you had access to this for free as well as to the guide.

I will be linking the guide in the show notes.

All you have to do is to add your email and you'll be able to download it. But again, even if you are not experiencing jealousy at this moment

I'd recommend you pay attention to this episode because we all have uncomfortable feelings, right? And this method will help you work through those, whatever those might be

Okay, so before I get into it, I just wanted to tell you how this method has changed my life. So I feel like I was the type of person, you might be able to relate, who whenever I felt something, I wanted someone else to fix it for me. I grew up with a very [00:02:00] emotionally supportive mom, and that's great, but I feel like I carried that tendency to run to my mom whenever something was wrong, to my partners, to my friends, whoever it was.

And it was actually through therapy that I started to learn that the support that we often expect from other people, we can actually give ourselves, right? We often go to others hoping that they're gonna cheer us up, that they're gonna tell us the things that we hope to hear. And sometimes they do, and sometimes they do make us feel better.

And there's nothing wrong with reaching out to the people that you love. But I've learned that what's best is to first reach out to yourself, to first tune into your inner teacher, tune into your knowledge of yourself, and simply give yourself what you need. Do your best to calm yourself down. [00:03:00] Do your best to talk to yourself.

Do your best to, again, do your emotional processing before you go on to someone else. And this can come about from, again, just something happening in your life that has nothing to do with your partner or with whoever you want to talk to about this thing. But I think especially when whatever came up does have to do with your partner, again, if they did something that made you feel very jealous or something like that It is so important that you wait because if you jump into a conversation when you're feeling activated, when you're feeling upset, that conversation is going to go nowhere or eventually it's gonna go somewhere, but it's gonna take you a while to get there because the initial way in which you brought it up will come with that emotional charge.

You will not speak in the way that you would [00:04:00] speak if you had thought about what you were gonna say. instead, you are speaking in the heat of the moment. You are speaking from that uncomfortable feeling, and that might make your partner or whoever you're addressing feel blamed. Then they might get defensive.

Then because you are already in distress, that will hurt you even more, and you know how it goes. You know how conversations go when you are just upset and you bring it up, and how conversations go when you've had time to calm yourself down. So my recommendation is always to do RAIN before you go and talk to your partner or the person that did the thing that made you feel in whatever uncomfortable way you're feeling, right?

So I'm going to go through each of the steps of RAIN. So RAIN is an acronym. R stands for recognize, A stands for allow, I stands for [00:05:00] investigate, and N stands for nurture. Don't worry about remembering these. You can look at the show notes after this episode. You can copy-paste the show notes and have them in your phone.

You can re-listen to this episode and take notes. I will also be adding resources from Tara Brach, again, the meditation teacher I got this from. So I just want you to pay attention to what the steps are for now, and, with time, hopefully you'll be able to memorize them and you'll be able

 to use this amazing tool whenever you are having an uncomfortable feeling. Okay, so the first one might sound simple, but it actually can be difficult sometimes. R, recognize. As simple as it sounds, sometimes it's so hard for us to recognize what's going on. We know we're feeling uncomfortable, right?

We know there's something wrong but we don't really know what it is, and there's a lot of power in just naming whatever it is, right? Are you [00:06:00] feeling anxious? Are you feeling abandoned? Are you feeling uncared for? Are you feeling unappreciated? Are you feeling insecure about a particular trait of yours?

I think that once we have identified the feeling, and of course, sometimes it's a bunch of different feelings, but there's a lot that can be gained from just naming it, right? So I'm going to take the example of jealousy, just because I know a lot of us have struggled with that, and that is something that can be difficult to admit to ourselves.

I know that for me, the first time I experienced jealousy, I didn't want to name it as jealousy because At that point, I rationalized it that I wasn't jealous. I just didn't like the way that my partner at the time had gone about X, Y, and Z, right? But at the end of the day, however you want to call it, when you feel uncomfortable about your partner being with someone else, It might actually just be [00:07:00] easier to admit to yourself that you are feeling jealous.

In any case, most people, when they feel jealous, they want to rationalize their way out of it, right? Like, they think that because they know that, for example, their partner did nothing wrong by going on a date, that they shouldn't feel jealous, right?

That if they're truly on board with non-monogamy, those uncomfortable feelings shouldn't follow. But I think that the majority of us are often taken by surprise when we experience this. And just like with any feeling, we might have a tendency to want to brush it under the rug. Or even if we do have a level of compassion with how we're feeling, we might just want to ration- think our way out of it.

But what this method invites you is to feel. And when I say feel, I mean literally feel the sensations in your body, right? So after you've recognized whatever it is that [00:08:00] you're feeling, after you, again, for example, recognize that you feel jealous, you will allow that feeling. Instead of wanting to shush that jealousy away, you are actually going to tell to yourself,

Welcome jealousy. Welcome insecurity. Welcome grief. Welcome disappointment. Welcome frustration." Whatever it is that you're feeling, you are actually going to, as Tara Brach says, which again I think she might have gotten from somewhere, someone else, sit with the feeling for tea, right? You're inviting the feeling to have tea with you.

So once you welcome the feeling in, you will actually feel very uncomfortable, right? You will probably want to escape the feeling, and that's when our thoughts come in. So when I ask you to allow the feeling in, what I would like you to do is to sit [00:09:00] down or to lay down, to close your eyes, to take a moment to yourself to do this exercise.

It takes about 20 minutes for our nervous systems to calm down, so if you could do it for 20 minutes, that's amazing. If you can only do it for 10 or 15, that is probably okay, but I would recommend you do it for at least 20 minutes. You sit down, you set your timer, and you say to yourself, "Welcome jealousy," or whatever the feeling it is that you're feeling

And again, it is going to feel very uncomfortable. But the reason why you're forcing yourself to sit through the discomfort is because that is the only way that you're going to feel better. As you might have heard people say, with feelings, the only way out is through.

So if you want to feel relieved out of that jealousy, You first need to feel extremely [00:10:00] jealous

The way I like to explain it to my clients is, you know, when we don't want that feeling in, when we don't want to let the jealousy in,

The jealousy is going to be knocking at our door. So we might not feel uncomfortable because the jealousy is not yet inside our house. We haven't invited the jealousy for tea, but we're still hearing the knock. And we might forget for a little bit, and then once more you hear the knock, right? hasn't that happened to you that you're feeling really uncomfortable and then you're having a fine day, and then all of the sudden you get this pang and you realize, "Oh my God, I'm still feeling whatever it is."

You remember what your partner did. You remember whatever circumstances led you to feel uncomfortable, and you again feel that way

So instead of having that feeling knocking at your door, we're gonna let the feeling in. When we let the feeling in, we're not going to feel good, right? We're gonna be sitting with a guest that we don't like.[00:11:00] 

The jealousy or the uncomfortable feeling is going to be there, and they're probably gonna be a messy guest. They're gonna be spilling the tea all over. They're going to make a mess of our house. They're going to make us feel very uncomfortable while they are visiting. But after those 20 minutes, After you've allowed the feeling to be in your house for a little bit, in your body for a little bit, the feeling will leave.

It doesn't mean that you will not have the traces of that feeling, right? Like, it doesn't mean that you won't feel jealous anymore. It'll just mean that you won't be hearing that knock. And sure, the jealousy will have had made a mess in your house, and then you're just going to slowly, at your own pace, knowing that that uncomfortable feeling is not going to be knocking at your door, clean up the house.

And just take your time. And that will feel a lot better than having that feeling [00:12:00] knocking at our door and us not letting it in. Now, what does that look like practically? If you're familiar with meditation, you know that it is basically making an effort to focus on your body sensations, right?

So when a thought comes by, it, it doesn't mean that you're not supposed to be thinking, unless you are the Buddha or something. You are probably going to be thinking, and that's normal. But what is important is that whenever a thought comes into your head, you let it go. You just let it go. And the way that you let it go is simply by going back to your bodily sensation. So I like to personally focus on the feeling of the air coming in and out of my nostrils. I like to do body scans, meaning I'm consciously thinking, "Okay, how do my [00:13:00] feet feel right now? How do my legs feel now?

 how does my tummy feel now?" Et cetera, and I go up my body. Again, while I'm doing those exercises, while I'm trying to focus on my breathing, a thought will come in, I'll get distracted, and all I have to do is go back to whatever that place is. However What might be helpful to you is to actually focus on wherever you feel that discomfort, right?

So let's say that you're feeling the jealousy as a tightness in your chest. what about focusing on that tightness? Just observing it without judgment, with curiosity. Again, while you observe that, thoughts are going to come in, and all you have to do is go back to observing whatever your body is feeling.

Go back to focusing on the sensations of your body. And I think [00:14:00] that something that was very helpful to me is to realize that meditation is all about practicing that muscle, right? Because before, every time a thought distracted me and I stopped paying attention to the sensations of my body, I'd think, "Oh my God, I'm ruining my meditation.

I have to start over," kind of thing. But then I realized that the practice is to go back to your breath, right? Like every time you exercise that muscle of going back to your breath, you are learning to be more present in your everyday life, right? the idea is that meditation will help you to be a little bit less in our head, in our monkey mind, as some call it, and more in our body, and that's what we're practicing.

So now every time I have a thought, I see it as an opportunity to practice that muscle. So anyhow, let's say that you've done that for 20 minutes. Again, you will feel uncomfortable. You will let yourself feel uncomfortable. You will sit through [00:15:00] the discomfort. And by the end of the 20 minutes, you will have calmed down

 Now you can go to the next step, which is investigate. So investigating is what one might do when one is journaling, for example, right? You ask yourself some questions, you write down some reflections. The issue is that sometimes we jump into that when we are in distress. We think that we can think our way out of things.

But if you are journaling while you feel activated, if you're having a conversation with, someone while your nervous system is activated, sure, you might be able to feel a little bit better, but at the end of the day, it's going to be very hard to be thinking and speaking from a centered place because your body will be in fight or flight, right?

So your body is not in a state where [00:16:00] it can reflect, and it can slow down, and it can be introspective. It might be a lot easier to blame yourself. It might be a lot easier to judge your feelings, to have less compassion. When you've allowed yourself to calm yourself down, to do the allowing, to let yourself feel, you are going to feel a lot more centered, you are going to feel a lot more calm, and then from that place you can investigate.

My favorite way of investigating is journaling. But again, you can just think. You know? You can just ask yourself, "Why am I feeling this way? Why am I feeling jealous?

How might have my past experiences actually shape how I'm feeling? For example, let's say that you are feeling jealous And first you think that you are feeling jealous because your partner didn't text you while they were on a date and you felt like they weren't thinking [00:17:00] about you or you were wondering what they were doing.

And you think that that's the reason and you are actually even blaming your partner and telling them, "You should have responded to my text. You should have texted me. You should have thought about me. If you didn't text me, That means that you might have been doing things that you didn't want me to know about.

Why didn't you answer my question?" Whatever it is. But then maybe you sat, maybe you allowed yourself to feel the jealousy, and after the fact, you start thinking about what was so triggering to you about your partner not answering that message while they were on a date. And then you realize that it might have to do with your past relationship where someone cheated on you and they would disappear for hours or days at a time and not answer your texts, and you later found out that it was because they were cheating on you with someone else.

And now you might be realizing that [00:18:00] you are distrusting your partner even though your partner hasn't really done

Anything to make you believe that they might be cheating. They have been going about non-monogamy ethically, but you come to realize after you've reflected on it that you are a little bit traumatized from your previous relationship, and that's why you need that extra reassurance. So what do you do with this insight?

You can, of course, talk to your partner. sure, your partner could be better at responding, and it's okay to honor your sensitivities,

Even if they might not feel fully justified to your partner. If it makes you feel better to have them respond, maybe your partner can do that for you. But you might also realize that some of it is your own work, right? Some of it is your work of realizing that this is a different partner, that they might, for example, want to be present in their date, [00:19:00] and they might not want to update you all the time about what they're doing.

And that maybe you have to work a little bit on not getting really agitated if they take 30 minutes to respond a text or something, right? So then you can, after you finish RAIN, come to your partner and talk about that and tell them, "Hey, it would be helpful to me if you could try to respond my texts when you are on a date.

But also, I reflected on it, and I realized that I am also extra sensitive because of my past relationship where I was cheated on. So I will also be working on gaining more security in the relationship and trusting you more, That is a very different conversation from the one that you would have had, had you just brought this up in the moment, right?

You would have probably just complained to your partner and fully blamed them for not answering and just let that jealousy and [00:20:00] that fight or flight lead the conversation, as opposed to coming from a centered place where you've calmed yourself down, where you've reflected, and then you can have a conversation.

But I'm kind of getting ahead of myself because before you even have that conversation with your partner,you will do the last part of RAIN, which is nurture. Now, nurture can mean many things. The way that I think about it is talking to yourself, right?

So again, with this example, let's say that you investigated, you realized where the jealousy came from. What would you tell to a friend? What would you tell to a friend who came to you and said, "I'm really upset at my partner 'cause they didn't answer this text. I felt really jealous, but then I realized that it might be because of my past."

You'd probably be compassionate, right? You'd probably say, "Well, that makes sense that because of the past and the [00:21:00] relationship that you had before where you were cheated on, that it would be hard for you to trust your partner. But hey, they've shown you that they love you in so many other ways. And hey, if you talk to them, they might be open to be a little bit more responsive.

And you're doing great. Like, it's totally normal to feel jealousy." A lot of people who are entering non-monogamy or even who are seasoned non-monogamists feel jealousy, right? Those are things that you can tell yourself. So I would literally talk to myself and tell myself, "What you're feeling is normal.

You're doing great. These are the potential solutions." But more than going into, you know, you should talk to your partner or whatever solution you might think of, it's about validating yourself. It's about letting yourself know that you're human, you have feelings. That's okay. You're working on it. And that it's temporary, right?

That you will feel better, that you're doing the work, and kind of like [00:22:00] pat yourself on the shoulder. I often even like go as far as to like hug myself like this. If you're on camera, you can see me, like, I literally like hug myself. I tell myself that I love myself. I, tell myself that I'm doing great.

Whatever it is that makes you feel taken care of by yourself. And again, this part was life-changing for me because I would often expect that from other people. And when I realized I didn't need other people to hug me and tell me it was fine and And all of that, but I could do it myself before I even went to anyone.

I felt very empowered, and I felt like I am my own best friend. I am my own support system. Because listen, I have a wonderful partner that's super supportive, and of course, after I do RAIN, I go and talk to him. But at the end of the day, who are you going to be with your whole life? Yourself. You are the only person that you're going to be [00:23:00] with your whole life.

And there's so much power in knowing that you got yourself. That as imperfect as you are, you have tools, you have things you can do for when you feel distressed to feel a little bit better. So I'm hoping that RAIN can be something that you take with you and that you do at home. And listen, the first few times I did it, I couldn't remember the acronym.

So what I did, and I would recommend you do, is I had a note in my phone, and you can just copy-paste it from the show notes, put it in your phone as a note. And when you're feeling activated, when you're feeling jealous, when you're feeling sad, when you're feeling frustrated, whatever it is that you're feeling, you just open the note and go through the exercises.

Now, I understand you might not have, I don't know, half an hour that takes to do, to do this. But even if you just take with you some of the [00:24:00] steps, I would say the most important one that I feel like is very underestimated is the allowing, right? Like, you might naturally investigate 'cause you like to journal or 'cause you talk to your friends or whatever, or you might easily recognize how you're feeling.

But allowing yourself to feel it might not be something that you have been familiar with. And one last note about jealousy If you are experiencing it for the first time, it does get easier. So it might not be something that you need to fix. There might be nothing that your partner or you need to do differently.

You might just need to put your reps in, do RAIN, and I promise you that the 50th time your partner goes on a date will be a lot easier than the fifth time, right? So just be patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel it. And I'd say nurture yourself as well, if you can. Talking to yourself, giving [00:25:00] yourself words of encouragement, hugging yourself, as cheesy as it might sound.

Whatever nurtures you. It can also be, you know, taking a bath, going for a run, meeting up with friends, going, for a hike in nature. There are many things that you can do to feel better about yourself, and I think it's incredibly powerful

To even just try it, and I promise you that if you do try to do RAIN, you will feel a little bit better. You will feel more powerful because you will have had taken care of yourself.

If you are interested in coaching, if you have been struggling with these big feelings and you found this exercise helpful, you can reach out to me for a free exploratory call for coaching. I work a lot with my clients on emotional processing.

I do both individual and couple sessions, And I'd love to help you if you feel like you're struggling with [00:26:00] non-monogamy.

Again, if you are interested in my jealousy guide, you can find a link in the show notes

 you can also find in the show notes more information about RAIN, as well as a short explanation of each of the steps. So you can copy-paste that in a note in your phone. I would recommend you go and do that right now, and you can have that at your disposal whenever you encounter an uncomfortable feeling

And if you want more resources, more conversations with people who have experienced non-monogamy,

You can listen to my 70-plus episodes that are completely free, or you can subscribe to Spotify or Patreon to access a lot more content, where we talk about, topics such as this one

 Thank you so much for listening today, and I'll catch you all in the next episode